"Shrekking" is a new term in the dating world that refers to when people choose unattractive partners in the hope of receiving care

“Shrekking” is a buzzword in the dating world that describes choosing a partner who is considered less attractive by conventional standards, in the hope that they will be caring, loyal, and sincere. This trend, which is gaining popularity in both heterosexual and gay relationships, was illuminated in an article in *The New York Post*. The title refers to the animated film *Shrek*, in which Princess Fiona falls in love with a green ogre after discovering his inner depth, despite his unconventional appearance.

What is “shrekking,” and how does it manifest?

"Shrekking" refers to a situation in which a person consciously chooses a partner who, in their opinion, does not meet generally accepted standards of beauty, in the hope that the partner will be more grateful, attentive, or faithful. In gay dating, this can manifest, for example, when a man chooses a partner who does not fit the stereotypical image of an “ideal” body, hoping for a deeper emotional connection. However, such expectations often turn out to be an illusion. A partner chosen based on lowered standards does not always live up to those hopes, exhibiting indifference, rudeness, or even manipulative behavior.

In the gay community, "shrekking" is complicated by social pressure social standards. Social media platforms such as Instagram or Grindr place an even greater emphasis on physical appearance, creating an idealized image of a “muscular” or “fashionable” partner. This may push people to choose “less attractive” partners in an attempt to avoid competition or disappointment, but such decisions often lead to new problems. For example, a person might end up with a partner who uses their perceived “unattractiveness” as an excuse for toxic behavior.

Psychological Roots and Risks

Psychologists note that “shreaking” is often linked to low self-esteem or a fear of rejection. People may think that a less attractive partner will be “grateful” for the attention, but this is a misconception. Emma Hawthorne, a relationship expert at Seeking.com, emphasizes:

"Appearances don't determine character. If someone treats you badly, they become unattractive, no matter what they look like.".

This is especially true in gay relationships, where cultural expectations and stereotypes about appearance can increase the pressure when choosing a partner. Doberman.media has previously covered this topic recorded a podcast with psychologist Yegor Burtsov.

Moreover, “shrekking” may be linked to the phenomenon of “compensatory expectations,” in which a person projects desired qualities onto a partner while ignoring real signals. For example, in gay dating, this can manifest as the belief that a partner with lower “status” will be less demanding or more loyal—a belief that rarely corresponds to reality.

The Impact of Social Media

Social Media play a key role in popularizing "Shrekking". In the digital age, dating apps such as Tinder, Grindr, or Hinge reinforce the focus on physical appearance, creating the illusion that “attractive” partners are less available or more selective. This pushes some people toward “Shrekking” as a way to avoid competition. However, research shows that in the gay community, where visual culture is particularly strong, this approach can lead to disappointment if a partner doesn’t meet expectations in terms of emotional maturity or compatibility.

How can you avoid the "Shrekking" trap?

Experts advise focusing on values, emotional compatibility, and a partner’s actions, rather than on their appearance. This is especially important in gay relationships, where pressure from the community and the media can create unrealistic expectations. For example, instead of choosing a partner based on stereotypes about appearance, it’s better to pay attention to shared interests, mutual respect, and the ability to communicate.

For those seeking love in gay or straight relationships, the key to success is being honest with yourself and letting go of prejudices. ““Shrekking” emphasizes that true attractiveness lies in character and actions, not in conforming to beauty standards. This is the only way to build sincere and lasting relationships, avoiding the disappointment of meeting a “troll” instead of a “prince.”