Toxic Success: What It Is and How It Leads to Depression

Of course, “it’s better to be healthy and rich than poor and sick,” but reality often shows that the cult of success on social media can actually worsen your quality of life. In this podcast, I want to describe a case in which toxic success led to depression and burnout.

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A little theory…

There aren’t many fatal illnesses in psychiatry; anorexia and depression immediately come to mind. Depression is very often the cause of suicide and self-harm. Therefore, despite the apparent prevalence of depression and the stereotypes "Oh, that's just a little sad," This is something we should take seriously. Lately, I’ve been hearing more and more often that success is actually the cause of depression. Or rather, the way it’s portrayed in the media.

The pattern of depression often goes like this: I want something but can't achieve it for a long time, and I just keep feeling worse and worse. What does this look like in the case of “toxic success”? Someone who sees ads for courses on how to get rich and successful quickly without doing anything to achieve it may create the illusion that there’s some secret or a single magic step that will turn their cat Barsik into a golden antelope, but nothing happens. And the person sinks deeper and deeper into burnout and depression. I’ll try to describe how this happens using a specific example.

They're all successful on Instagram, but I'm not.

A client came to see me with fairly high scores on a depression scale, and we discussed seeing a psychiatrist to get medication. At the root of his depression was the fact that he considered himself a failure and worthless. His question was: “Why am I a failure?”

“After all, on Instagram and Facebook, he saw the lives of other people who were constantly traveling and had new homes and businesses.”

We started digging into his story, and it turned out he was a man with a good job in logistics; his salary was slightly above average, and he had a family, but none of that mattered to him. After all, on Instagram and Facebook, he watched the lives of other people who were constantly traveling and had new homes and businesses. His favorite books were “self-help” books, and he watched videos about millionaires.

That was more than enough for the man to devalue everything he had. Here’s an excerpt from our conversation:

– Do you manage your own social media accounts?

– I'm throwing something in there.

– What are you fasting from?

– Well, if we go out somewhere with my partner, like on a fun day or when we're traveling.

– And on weekdays?

– Why should I take pictures of my laptop from different angles?

– Does your Instagram make it look like you're always on vacation and having a good time, too?

– I suppose so.

– And the people you look up to—how often do they post?

… Naturally, my client didn’t believe me, so we conducted an experiment, and it turned out that the people in his circle, just like him, travel and go to restaurants. And those people who frequently posted about “success” on social media were themselves “happiness peddlers.” One of his friends sold cryptocurrency, and another was a life coach. The conclusion was: “People lie on social media!”

My client went on to tell me about his experience participating in what’s known as a “wish marathon.” He completed all the assignments, turned everything in on time, and for a while it seemed to him that he was close to success, but when the marathon ended, my client kept “doing something” for another couple of months and burned out. He tried to “work on himself,” “work on his career and finances,” “work on his relationships,” and so on. I asked a simple question: “Did you see any marathon runners at the finish line?” We both laughed.

The problem with any personal growth workshops, "wish marathons," and the like is this:

First of all, they know how to pull off a few tricks and boost motivation in the short term. That’s it. That’s not bad for solving specific problems. But does that turn a person’s life into a system where they can achieve consistent results?

Second, the methods used there are geared toward something unclear. After all, everyone has their own idea of success. What does a good job mean to you? For some, it’s a good salary; for others, it’s free time; and for still others, it’s a job close to home. The same goes for success—it’s different for everyone. For some, it’s a strong family; for others, a new car; and for still others, plenty of free time.

Third, they’re based on the idea that people are led to believe they’re special, the very best, and so on. Where does this lead? It leads to people suddenly having unrealistic expectations of themselves and the world—expectations that have absolutely no connection to reality. For example, at one of the training sessions, I heard someone say in all seriousness that people would start earning a couple thousand euros a day within three months because they were the chosen ones. But at that training session, there was only one such person—the organizer. The rest of the people were just average.

It took my client a long time to recover from that. As a result, he burned out and ended up coming to see me.

So, did my client find happiness after that? Of course not. A new thought kept getting in his way: “I’m just like everyone else; I’m an average person.”

The idea of not “being average” or “being like everyone else” is also a form of manipulation.

The idea of not “being average” or “just like everyone else” is also a form of manipulation. On the one hand, it’s not a bad thing to have your own opinion and your own individuality. But on the other hand, sometimes we expend too much energy in our desire to stand out. And one way to avoid being like everyone else is to become “successful.” Why have we decided that being an “average person” is bad? Success stories usually suggest that a successful person succeeds in everything, but is that really the case? No. Take Dale Carnegie, for example—the author of *How to Be Happy in Your Family* was actually unhappy in his own family and ended his life by suicide. What if he’d simply had an “average family”? Benjamin Spock, author of parenting books, was hated by his own children. And there are many such examples. They show that projecting success and actually being successful are often two different things. In fact, both of these men were successful in one thing—they knew how to sell a fabricated lifestyle. In every other respect, they may have been perfectly average people, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

 If you want to be successful, think about what you do best and try to excel in that area. In other areas, try adopting the “average person” approach. Otherwise, you won’t be able to handle anything. For example, I might be an excellent logistics specialist but just an average soccer player, because it’s a hobby.

Most likely, success is linked to the fact that a person has spent a lot of time working on a particular task. The 10,000-hour theory can also be included here. Everyone has their own talents, and it’s not just about skill, so 10,000 hours is more of a metaphor. Further research has shown that the required time varies. For some fields, it’s 10,000 hours, while for others, it’s as many as 20,000 hours.

In the case described here, the therapy culminated in my helping the person overcome burnout, and the client began to live a full life again—one in which there is room for success. Together, we outlined his personalized plan for success. I’d like to share it with you:

1. We defined our criteria for success specifically for the client;
2. We set specific professional goals tailored to the client's capabilities;
3. We worked through his unnecessary perfectionism, and in some areas, my client came to accept the idea of being an “average person.”
4. We've included taking care of ourselves and our well-being in our development plan. After all, if you don't take care of yourself, there can be no talk of success.
5. The client gave themselves permission to make mistakes and to focus not on people on social media or trendy coaches, but on their own needs and desires.

What was his measure of success? You might be surprised, but we found a way for him to go fishing and take walks in the woods without losing any of his salary or standard of living. What is your measure of success?

To be successful or not? That’s entirely up to you—not to Instagram gurus, trendy books, or podcasts. But for me, the most important thing in striving for success is to be yourself. If you can pull it off, then good luck to you!