Homophobic relatives: instructions for survival

Today we will talk about how to survive with homophobes. And I emphasize that how to survive, and not how to have a prosperous psychological state, living with them.

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I would like to start our conversation by saying that for me and for any person, homophobia is not a point of view. Homophobia is most likely a delusion.

And in our article we will treat it as a delusion. Why do I say so?

Because when you're with homophobes You ask for some argumentsthat they can bring in favor of homophobia, you will usually not find rational arguments.

They will be, so to speak, from three groups. 

The first is the traditional

It has never been like this. It never worked out that way. But traditional, you can say you have never used an iPhone.  You've never used anything else. On the other hand, in the tradition of which countries? We know many examples when homosexual relations in some countries or cultures were quite acceptable. Therefore, traditional ones do not work.

 The second category is related to demographics and so on and so forth.

But if we say that a person who has accepted or has not accepted his sexual orientation, it is unlikely that this person will create his own family. And even if he does, then, most likely, this family will not be happy. Why create it? Because this is a family in which people are unhappy.

Well, the third category is religious values and so on.

And here I have a very simple argument that is on the surface. If this is not accepted in this religion, why is it accepted in another? 

And if we take all these three groups of arguments, then they are irrational – untenable.

And therefore, it is most likely not necessary to accept homophobia as a point of view. But you still have to survive with these people. And here we are... And I would say there are several strategies, let's talk about them.

The first strategy is if we treat homophobia as a problem of education, because we are very often afraid of what we do not know, or we are very good at responding to some information threats. Unfortunately, the information background in the post-Soviet space is quite homophobic. And our relatives, our loved ones, being good people, I emphasize, being good people, very often fall for this, because an ordinary person simply has no experience of encountering this phenomenon. First of all, if you still decide to continue communicating with people who are homophobic, it is worth remembering that your feelings and your needs are primary. And here I will explain why. If you feel bad, if you constantly suppress your emotions, then most likely this will lead to the fact that you will burn out. And even if you decide to communicate with homophobic relatives, you still won't be happy with this communication.

Second. Define your boundaries and defend steadfastly. Unfortunately, very often we do not choose our relatives, but we also do not choose our orientation. This is something else. And here is the biosocial model. It happened that way. Probably, this is the topic of a large two-hour podcast, why it happened. There is not enough research, but we are saying here, well, it was like that.  And so you as a person are defined by other things. You can be a grandson, you can be a brother, you can be a son, you can be a good worker, you can be something else. And it turns out that your orientation is one of the manifestations of you. And this is worth remembering. And if you describe your boundaries with relatives, just ask why it is important for you to talk about my orientation, and not about what kind of student I am, what kind of employee I am, what kind of grandson I am, whether I care enough about you. Sometimes we concentrate too much on orientation, forgetting our other social roles.  

Very often our relatives are not as hostile as we think, they just lack some kind of education, they just lack understanding. And I will give an example. I had a client in therapy who was enough to show her grandmother just a Wikipedia article about homosexuality, where the studies were given. Granny had a higher education, a teacher. And when the client and I were planning, we, to be honest, made a crisis plan and thought that all this was a break in relations.

It turned out that the grandmother was quite a literate person, and she became less homophobic towards her granddaughter, and everything turned out well.

What to talk about – discuss with your relatives who are homophobic your feelings and your lack of understanding of why they focus on this.  And here you need to discuss in advance what topics you have with you. And very often this will be a criterion for how adequate your relatives, those people whom you consider relatives, are. If they are not ready to discuss your personal boundaries and climb there again, then you have the right not to maintain this conversation.

Very often it is difficult to establish this communication on your own. And I would say that there is nothing to worry about. If you look for answers to these questions, it will be very difficult. If you're looking for support, look for it in the community.

And I would say that very often people say, no one accepts me, no one understands me, and that's it, the consultation ends. Do you know what? We just google what associations or support groups for LGBT people there are in the region, and people get this support. 

You will tell me that it has become very dangerous lately. And yes, I agree. But, on the other hand, human rights activities in our region have developed in such a way that these people have always survived, these people have always been able to take care of safety.

In most cases, they know how to build a safe environment that will not be dangerous to you. And to receive support somewhere externally means to build your boundaries with relatives, to have comfortable communication.

And the most important thing in communicating with relatives is to ensure your safety, your integrity. How can they show their aggression?

• Well, I very rarely see physical aggression when someone is beaten, someone is attacked. Although I was a living witness to the extremely homophobic attitude of law enforcement officers towards a person when they simply found a rainbow in his possession.
• Verbal aggression is rather something that we encounter more often. These are both words and texts. The so-called hate speech and so on. And again, let's return to the question of relatives. Sometimes it's not a matter of aggression. Sometimes it's a matter of their education. For example, in their region it is customary to call this phenomenon by this word. Let's not say it. You can just ask to change the vocabulary. And it seems to us that this is a hate speech. Sometimes it's just a tradition that has developed. And again, returning to the idea that homophobia is still a lack of information. This is a lack of information.
• Sometimes it's social isolation. It will consist in the fact that some significant relatives for you will stop communicating with you, will stop interacting with you. And here I would say two strategies. The first is if these people are really important and necessary for you, try to build communication. If it's a grandmother or someone like that, remember what is more important to them. Do you really accept my gender identity higher than the fact that I am your grandson or that you and I had some kind of common history? And believe me, sometimes we are afraid to say this. We are afraid of being rejected. But, as a rule, even if your homophobic relative says something, remember that this is the person with his own values, with his own concepts. And if you convey the information, if this is an adequate person, then in most cases, at least my cases are like this, you can come to an agreement. 
• Denial of rights. That is, people say that you have no rights, you do not interfere. And, most likely, the principle is at work here, this matter stinks. Establish the criteria that you discuss with your relatives. And if they are talking about something, again, ready to listen to information, then you are not sharing. Not ready? This means that communication is interrupted. It should be tough. If you can't communicate your point of view, then you reinforce their behavior in which they continue to put pressure on you.

Very often, relatives, again, it is important to understand the motivation, thinking that they are doing us well, trying to treat us, God forgive me, trying to change us somehow.

And here two questions arise. First. Why do they do this? As strange as it may sound, grandma does this because she loves you. Because it seems to her that what is happening to you is not normal.

And if you build communication not on emotions, but just understand, you have to say, grandma, what is important to you, my safety or some of your attitudes? In most cases, yes. If some attitudes are important, draw conclusions. 

I will not be the psychologist who will say that you should part with all your relatives and live in isolation. But most likely, if these people can't hear your needs, then will this communication be right for you? Will it be true for you?

Sometimes we need time to assert our rights and continue to communicate after a while. And in the end, I would like to say about some ways of self-defense:

• First of all, if you have any problems with homophobic relatives, assess the situation and decide how dangerous it really is for you. It can be a household hate speech, which is not very dangerous for you, and correct your relative. If there is a threat to your life, or you see, for example, some drunken relative at a family celebration does something against you, most likely, run here.
• Avoid conflicts, no matter how strange it may sound. Sometimes we want to prove our emotions so that everyone hears us.
• And yes, very often part of self-acceptance is to be accepted by others. But sometimes it is worth asking yourself the question, are they able to do this?
• Save evidence.   And keep evidence of homophobia against you. Very often, these documents can be useful for you to save your life. Because people in most cases do not want to contact the police or the police.
• In the safety rules, I would also say that find some human rights organizations or psychological organizations that are related to LGBT topics in your environment. These people do have experience. These people can really prompt and help in some specific situations. Starting from a psychologist and ending with a lawyer. Why is this important? Because some situations seem hopeless to us. 

Let me give you an example.

But they found out everything about me and what will happen next. And we just make crisis plans and we sometimes calculate that it is not as dangerous as a person imagines.

There is even such a psychological technique here. I catastrophize and look at the most terrible scenario, that the worst will happen. Sometimes the answer to the question. It will be really scary. You need to do some things to save your life. And sometimes the answer will be very simple. My relative will scream even longer. So what? This is the safety rule.

As soon as you have ensured your safety, I would like to say that sometimes our relatives, sometimes relatives are not support and support for us simply because they are not able to give it. Seek support. Look for support from specialists. Seek support from the community. Look for support in those communities from which you do not expect it. 

For example, our support is not only about LGBT issues. Think about who else you would like to be friends with, with whom you would like to communicate. And very often there are more adequate people among us than inadequate people. We just live in our own case, where we think that the whole world is dangerous. In fact, the world is not dangerous and not good. The world is neutral. We make it ourselves. 

In the end, I would like to say that you are not alone. There are people who want to take care of you, who can help you. You just need to find them. And any person, regardless of faith, confession, sexual orientation, and so on, has the right to security and freedom.  Just remember that you are human. And no one has the right to encroach on this. Even if he is mistaken. Subscribe to our podcasts. And see you next time.