Coming out: psychological aspects and is it necessary? Psychologist's podcast

October 11 – International Day coming out, and yes, this is the very day when people around the world are invited to come out of the shadows and declare themselves. This day was started in 1988 by two cool people - psychologist and activist Robert Eichberg and human rights activist Jean O'Leary. Their idea was that silence and ignorance only reinforce homophobia. Coming out is a powerful way to break down barriers and create a space where equality and acceptance become the norm.

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The main essence of this day is for people to be able to openly talk about themselves - whether it is to their friends, relatives or colleagues. After all, when people understand that there are LGBTQ+ people among them, they begin to look at things differently, are less afraid of the incomprehensible, and better understand the importance of everyone living in a world where there is no place for prejudice.

Doberman.media asked psychologist Ivan Vasilyuk to tell us about whether it is necessary to come out, and how to protect yourself if you still decide to take such a step.

The first thing to remember is that This decision should be conscious, comfortable, and safe for a person. 

It doesn't have to be an emotional decision. I will give an example of a bad coming out that I had in my practice. The guy quarreled with his parents, the showdown was about a topic not related to sexual orientation. And the guy emotionally admitted to his parents that he was homosexual, and that he was attracted to guys and so on. Since this was said in a difficult emotional situation, his coming out was not successful, he received rejection from his parents. Although there was a story with a happy ending, there was family therapy, and still managed to improve the relationship. To be honest, it's not a common story when emotional coming out ends in a well-established relationship, for example, with parents. 

Sometimes we really need to tell about ourselves, what these reasons can be:

• Personal growth and self-knowledge. We all want to accept our authenticity, and we all want to be ourselves. If we tell the world about our sexuality, about our preferences, then this is not even a question to the world, but a question to ourselves – "I recognize myself as such." Although, again, you have the right not to admit it. The desire to be free and not live in the closet.
• To be free and open. In the history of the country, there have even been periods of criminal prosecution of homosexual people, and people are used to living on the sly. But this is a rather stressful situation. Therefore, living freely is also one of the good motives for coming out.
• Get community supportIf you find a safe environment that is LGBT+ friendly, a good way to put yourself at ease. Say: "Guys, I'm the same. I would like to be friends with you."  
• Combating discrimination and injustice. Here we can give a classic example. How many cool scientists, like Alan Turin, who had a homosexual orientation got in trouble because they were persecuted? And admitting that I am homosexual, or I belong to LGBT+, and this does not make me a bad person. This is also a good way to assert yourself and fight for your rights, if, of course, you have such a need.
• Love and relationships, This is very important. We still have to admit to our partners about our feelings, about our orientation. And sometimes accepting your sexuality can be a way to create a family. 

Using some criteria, perhaps you have your own, you decide that yes, I want to make a coming out.

And once again, coming out should be absolutely voluntary. He must be responsible. In what sense is he responsible? Sometimes there is no way back. And it is the way to live without hiding, without any problems. And indeed, this is a good step. Sometimes.

It's important to remember, whether you've made a decision or not, that you always deserve respect and support. Human rights also apply to you. There are people who care about you, and they can support you. This is good news. The bad news is that sometimes you need to find these people. And I will give an example of a good coming out.

Good coming out.

I had a guy in therapy about 20 years old. He is even from a small town. He dared to tell his homosexual orientations to his parents. He thought for a long time. We made a script with him, how he would tell his parents, that it would be a calm conversation, not emotional. We have worked with him on the questions that may ask questions.

What parents can ask questions? "Maybe you're sick." Unfortunately, this is true. And the parents... Parents may be afraid that something is wrong with you. Parents may think that simply, sorry for this myth, you just didn't meet a good girl. If you meet a good girl, you'll definitely be fine. And we worked out literally, I would say, as in the case of the sale, all the objections that the parents could have.

The guy chose a quiet day when his parents were at home, not busy. In my opinion, they even had kebabs. He sat down with them, honestly explained his feelings, his values. And his identity.

And you will be surprised, his parents accepted him absolutely calmly. They asked him questions. We were surprised that we guessed right with so many questions. He was ready for them. It wasn't emotional. They decided, by the way, in that case, to reveal this information to the grandmother a little later. There was a good result, because the guy did not hide from his parents. He received support from them. And I was surprised at how involved his parents were in his life when he spoke honestly about himself. 

As I always say, homophobia is not a point of view. Homophobia is a lack of information. The next step, in this particular case, was to provide information to his parents.

He told them. He told them some information. Parents were surprised, they even read some information. There is a story with a happy ending. 

Unfortunately, we have a number of conservative families in which such disclosure of one's sexual identity is sometimes associated with a large number of conflicts. Therefore, speaking about a communaut, in such a situation, you need, first of all, to think about whether you will take care of your safety. Did you choose the right moment? Why are you doing this? That is, what do you expect from her? If this communaut is out of spite, so that they somehow understand you, then, most likely, you are doing something out of spite, and you will get something out of spite. Very often we have fears about communautation. Some of them are objective, some of them are subjective. Let's figure it out

• We are afraid that Those around us will not accept us and can use violence against us, they will begin to reject us, they will begin to discriminate against us. I would take this fear seriously, that just write down those people with whom you would like to talk, and think about what they are capable of. If it can end, as they say, in physical violence, ask again if you need it. Sometimes we need, sometimes this is our way, to accept ourselves, to go through some conflicts and will not be a kind psychologist. Sometimes our relatives and friends need time to accept us and also take their position. They have some experience, they have a slightly distorted understanding of rightness or wrongness. And a person does not change his position in an instant. And this is also a long way. 
• Feelings of guilt and shame. It can be caused by the fact that our society is basically homophobic, and we can have guilt or shame for not living up to our parents' expectations of a beautiful and large family with five grandchildren, a dog, and so on. It is worth remembering here that very often we do not choose our sexual orientation, our identity, this is not our choice. We should not be ashamed or guilty for this. On the other hand, guilt and shame for what? Who is bad for this? Are you doing someone wrong? Most likely not. And the expectations of your relatives, the expectations of someone else are their expectations, which, let's say, are good sometimes to listen to, but this is not your life, these are their expectations. What are you guilty for?  
• Confusion and self-awareness, that is, when we accept our identity, these are conflicts, it is always a crisis. And if we decide to come out, then we must be sure that we have decided on our decision. 
• Lack of support. Unfortunately, for every person, when it is difficult for them to accept something in their gender identity and so on, we feel lonely. Very often, information on the Internet is just a search for information, find some community, find some clubs where you can, firstly, be consulted, and secondly, you will receive a safe environment and support. 

What is it for? Sometimes we feel lonely when we come out or admit something. A sense of relief and pride. This is something that can be experienced when you are released. When you talk about who you really are.

As one of my clients said, for me it was like saying: "Look, I am, I am like this." Again, I repeat, this is the business of each person. On the other hand, there is no universal experience for every person. For some, as I said, it is a conversation at a barbecue, for someone it can be a good letter written by their relatives, for someone coming out can be partial. For example, you can accept yourself in some communities, but not in others. Sometimes it doesn't meet our safety criteria, again, it's your decision.

 It is worth remembering that if you want to be supported, then over time, the influence, the feeling of people's reaction changes. And what instantly seems like a shock and I was not accepted, most likely, this is a temporary shock. Observe the phenomenon, see what arguments are given to you. Very often, time is the best doctor, although you can't say that there is something wrong with you. You just said you have.

Take your time, it's just your way. What am I talking about? There was such a bad incident in the company, the girl told how great she was received by her mom, dad and so on. And on the same group there was a second girl who was inspired by this example and made a coming out the same evening. Her parents were not prepared for this outcome. And, unfortunately, there was a conflict there. 

How do we do it?

In family therapy, for example, I ask parents the question: "This is your son, this is your daughter. Let's weigh it up. What do these social attitudes mean to you? What does your son or your daughter mean to you?"

And very often, if people are adequate, people still begin to understand that accepting their son, accepting their daughter, is much more important than someone else's attitudes.

The last thing to say is that coming out is a really important step towards self-acceptance, self-identification, and even personal growth. Because thanks to this, you can avoid some issues. And what will happen if? You know what will happen if. On the other hand, it's only your decision. And no one can push you to this decision. Therefore, be reasonable. Use even coming out to make yourself better.

Good luck with your decisions. Subscribe to our podcast. Follow us on metroboy.pro. By the way, we are available on all platforms. There are many, many of them. Therefore, you can listen to us.

P.S. If you have any personal questions about coming out, I'm easy to find. My name is Ivan Vasilyuk.