Open Relationships: Why Gay Men Are So Divided on Monogamy

Discussions around monogamy, open relationships, and polyamory consistently spark heated debates and strong emotional reactions among both heterosexual and queer communities. В выпуске YouTube-шоу “All Out with Jon Dean” клинический психолог и парный терапевт Алексис Корт (Alexis Court) размышляет о том, почему тема верности пропитана взаимным осуждением, откуда взялись социальные нормы и почему способность договариваться важна для любой пары.

Why Is the Gay Community More Likely to Choose Alternative Relationship Models?

Gay men have traditionally discussed relationship structures more openly and freely than their heterosexual counterparts. Psychologists attribute this to several historical and social factors:

• Exclusion from Traditional Institutions: For a long time, gay people were denied the legal right to marry and raise children. Without access to the conventional model, the community was forced to develop alternative structures—from “chosen families” (chosen families) to less conventional forms of partnership.
• Moving Beyond the “Default Setting”: When a person falls outside the traditional social script (“dating, marriage, mortgage, children”), they are forced to rethink what exactly makes their relationship valuable and sustainable.
• Late socialization: Statistically, gay men are more likely to enter stable relationships later in life, when they have a better understanding of their needs and boundaries.

Where did monogamy come from, and what does evolution tell us about it?

Historically, traditional monogamy developed as an institution for safeguarding resources and power and ensuring inheritance through the male line. As an example, Kort cites Henry VIII, whose wives were expected to observe strict monogamy to guarantee the legitimacy of his heirs, while the monarch himself had numerous affairs. In the modern world, heterosexual monogamy often remains the “default setting,” perpetuated simply because it is socially convenient and because people are not accustomed to questioning the norm.

At the same time, from the perspective of evolutionary biology and psychology, humanity has no single “natural” relationship model. A diversity of biological strategies—with one part of the population geared toward frequently changing partners and promoting genetic diversity, and another focused on monogamous care for offspring—maximizes the species’ chances of survival.

Mirrored shame and “monogamy as a shield”

Both sides of the debate—supporters of traditional marriage and advocates of open relationships—often experience similar feelings of shame and inadequacy:

• Monogamous couples face accusations that they are “not evolved enough,” trapped by stereotypes, or afraid of their own sexuality.
• Partners in open relationships are constantly told that their love is “impure” or “inferior,” and that their relationship is based solely on sex.

Therapists note that the decision to open up a relationship does not create problems out of nowhere; it merely brings existing vulnerabilities and fears to light. At the same time, monogamy is sometimes used as a “shield”: a formal ban on infidelity creates an illusion of security, allowing couples to avoid examining the causes of emotional distance or declining desire within the relationship for years.

Rules, “fluid bonding,” and the most important skill for couples

Contrary to popular belief, successful open relationships require tremendous discipline and a high level of communication from partners:

• Clear boundaries and rituals: Successful couples formalize their agreements—for example, mandatory quality time together or rules about spending the night away from home.
• Sexual safety and “fluid bonding”: Partners agree on safer-sex rules in advance, including whether condomless sex (fluid bonding) remains exclusive to the couple.
• Consciously relinquishing a right: One of the strongest expressions of commitment in an open relationship is choosing not to act on permission to have sex with someone else when your partner is feeling vulnerable.

At the same time, the key to the longevity of any relationship—whether monogamous or open—is not the absence of conflict or doubt, but the couple's ability to “repair” (rupture and repair): the ability to listen to a partner's pain, ease their anxiety, and restore emotional connection.

What can everyone learn from this?

The experts' main conclusion is that no relationship model is universal or inherently superior to another. Every couple—regardless of orientation or relationship structure—benefits from regularly and openly discussing how satisfied they are with each other and consciously choosing their partner every day.