Polyamory: A New Form of Love or a Threat to Relationships?

That’s how we were raised, right? Study hard, get into college, find a stable job, get married. If you have a couple of kids on top of that, everything will be just fine—mission accomplished. Your parents and coworkers will be happy.

It's a bad thing – it's simple. Civil registry offices are ready to marry everyone who, as a rule, has little idea what they are getting into. 

It turned out later that we didn’t want to get married at all—we wanted to get married. And not all of us can have our own children in such a marriage, even though scientists have recently proven the opposite: two men can still may have children without the involvement of a woman's egg. Although some of us still manage to have children and wives while maintaining a very active Grindr account.

Well, I mean, everyone has their own idea of what that is. Usually, it's either something similar to their parents' family or something completely opposite.

But in any case, we are talking about the standard monogamous family model: one husband, one wife. In our latitudes, this is what a stereotyped cell of society looks like. Then we found out that it is quite normal when there is one husband and one husband.

But that's how it used to be. These days, life has become interesting and varied.

And more and more often this new, alluring and very fashionable word is heard - polyamory. Yesterday News broke that three men in Brazil have officially gotten married.

It sounds nice, but it's hard to understand. So let's break it down.

First, let's figure out what polyamory is not.

If you secretly visit a lover or even several lovers (or a lover), this is not polyamory. If your husband or wife also visits a lover (or mistress), this also does not count. It's just you who are such sexually restless people. 

There are a lot of marriages like that, where both spouses cheat. That's not what I mean.

Also, polyamory should not be confused with polygamy. Technically, polygamy is when there is one husband and he officially has several partners.

In the Arab world, for example, polygamy is legal. Mormons in Utah love that too. But, again, this is not polyamory.

Even an open marriage, when a couple agrees that they can periodically have affairs on the side, is not quite the same. Because there are still two people who maintain a permanent relationship with each other. The rest of the participants appear and disappear and, in theory, should not play a big role for the couple. 

Polyamorists are people who build long-term, meaningful, deep connections with more than one partner at the same time. 

In terms understandable to an ordinary person, it is as if you have a wife (or two wives, or two or three husbands), and your wives/husbands still have a husband (or two husbands, or two or three wives). 

Generally speaking, the number of participants in this polygon is limited only by their imagination.

Polyamory — a form of consensual nonmonogamy, a system of ethical views on love that allows for the possibility of one person having romantic relationships with several people at the same time, with their consent. Polyamory also refers to the practice of romantic relationships that embody these views, and people involved in such relationships are called polyamorous individuals. Wikipedia

The polyamory movement, in fact, has an ideological basis. They believe that the "one husband, one wife" model is a restriction imposed by society designed to ensure the reproduction of this society. To give birth to workers and soldiers, that is, roughly speaking. And this state of affairs is not exactly natural. 

After all, science has long proven that men are polygamous by nature and therefore instinctively seek to win over as many partners as possible. Moreover, changing partners increases the release of dopamine, which boosts libido. This is a medical fact.

Similarly, many believe that women, too, are by nature far from monogamous; it’s just that a prudish society prevents them from fully expressing themselves.

One way or another, Polyamory, I'll say it again, isn't primarily about sex. It’s about serious, committed relationships with multiple partners at the same time. The partners’ gender doesn’t really matter. In other words, this arrangement works for both heterosexual and LGBT people.

Supporters of polyamory insist that love doesn’t diminish when it’s shared among several people. It’s kind of like how parents don’t start loving each of their children any less just because they have more than one. Besides, if someone is dear to you, wouldn’t you be happy if they were doing well? Even if, at that moment, they’re not with you but with someone else? Right?

I think you've already realized that this kind of lifestyle isn't for everyone.

If one of the partners starts to feel uncomfortable, becomes insecure, or starts to get jealous, this whole house of cards comes crashing down. The accusations, the innuendo, and the discontent begin. But it shouldn't be that way. Everything should be voluntary, joyful, and respectful of everyone involved in the process.

Members of polyamorous “families” even agree to hold regular check-ins to discuss whether everyone is happy with everything. Just like in tech companies.

In other words, you need to be a self-aware person who understands what’s happening to them, what they’re feeling, and who can provide appropriate feedback. Like, as long as you were with me, Anton, and Sergey, it was tolerable, but when Oksana (!) and Ashot joined in, it just became a bit too much…

Sometimes, after trying polyamory, people realize they aren't ready for such all-encompassing altruism. And they either break up or settle into monogamy.

Or they continue to maintain the illusion of marriage, occasionally cheating, just like all normal people.