About his desires... On the example of marshmallows

In the 1960s, Stanford University psychologist Walter Mischel studied willpower using four-year-old children as test subjects.

In the now-famous experiment, children were offered the choice of either eating a marshmallow right away or waiting a while to receive two. As a result, the young participants were divided into “greedy” and “greedy but patient” groups. After analyzing the later lives of his subjects, the psychologist concluded that the “patient” ones performed better in school, held more prestigious positions, were less prone to addiction, and were less likely to end up in prison.

Subsequent studies refined and expanded upon the conclusions Michel had reached, since his experiment involved only 90 children from a single kindergarten.

Over time, it became clear that children from well-off families were more likely to choose the second marshmallow. This is because they believe that if they’ve been promised a marshmallow, they’ll definitely get it. Poor children, on the other hand, are more likely to eat what they’ve been given before it’s taken away from them.

Broadly speaking, the idea is this: our capacity for self-restraint and self-control does not depend entirely on us, but is largely determined by external factors over which we have no control.

Actually, if you look closely, it turns out that success in life is largely a matter of chance. We don’t choose where in the world we’re born. We don’t choose whether our parents will be caring or abusive. We don’t choose how tall we’ll be or how attractive we’ll be. Whether we’ll be coordinated, gifted in the exact sciences, music, or poetry.

Self-control is also largely determined by genetics. Therefore, initially everyone is by no means equal. But how to play the cards that fell to us - we are free to decide. 

Or maybe not...

After all, there are plenty of external factors in adult life, too.

Take the fight against obesity, for example. Somehow, the world has ended up with more than a billion overweight people. Can it really be that this billion is made up entirely of weak-willed pastry lovers who don’t care about their health?

Of course not!

The food industry ate the dog (sorry for the inappropriate idioms) in order to force the consumer to eat more. Experts know very well that we instinctively prefer food with the same ratio of fats and carbohydrates as breast milk. If you don't need to chew this food too much, it's a fairy tale! And it is almost impossible to resist throwing another piece of super-processed food into your mouth. Not to mention the fact that thousands of marketers are working to make chocolates and burgers look super attractive, and there was no way we could pass up. 

It's the same with your phone. If you're scrolling through social media at work instead of doing your job, it's not entirely your fault. Your phone is designed to constantly grab your attention. The world's largest tech companies are working on this.

Companies are vying for our attention from all sides, trying to sell us something. They dream of feeding us, getting us hooked on alcohol and vaping, and getting us to sit in impractical cars or on leather couches in front of state-of-the-art TVs.

On top of pressure from corporations, there’s also public opinion. We want to be “up to par,” “no worse than others,” and for everything to be “like everyone else’s.”

But giving up on yourself is also a so-so solution.

It seems that Adizes wrote that perhaps the most important thing that should be taught to children in the modern world is the ability to resist temptations. 

But based on what was said above, this is almost a hopeless endeavor, isn't it?

Some people do manage to do it, though. And by observing how they do it, we can offer a couple of tips.

First, we need to realize that since we’re constantly being influenced by others, it’s best to put ourselves in a position from the start that minimizes that influence. It’s like going to the store with a shopping list you’ve prepared in advance. As we all know, no marketer in the world can stand up to someone like that.

Or avoid making impulse purchases. Even if you really like something, don't buy it right away; give yourself a couple of days to think it over.

And anyway, it's much easier, for example, not to buy any baked goods at all than to look at the package and try to resist grabbing another cookie.

And for the very advanced, there is a difficult thing – to try to clearly answer the question of why this or that desire arises.

Do I want to eat because I'm hungry, or because I'm stressed at work?

Do I want to have a drink because I'd like to relax, or so I don't stand out among my coworkers and friends?

Do I need a new car because my friends have new ones, or because the ashtray in my old one is full?

And finally, when we set goals for ourselves, we’re much more likely to achieve them if we truly want them.

In other words, we move towards our true desires easily and joyfully. To those imposed by society – with difficulty and gritting their teeth. 

That's why it's very important to figure out what you really want.

So I don't feel like one of Mr. Michel's test subjects, sitting in an empty room, staring at a marshmallow and trying to figure out what on earth I'm doing here.