“Who Will Believe the Gay?” Why is it harder for victims of domestic violence in gay couples to escape a tyrant

Why are LGBTQ people less likely to report abuse in relationships and what invisible barriers do they face when trying to leave a tyrannical partner? Psychotherapist Katie Gillis analyzes the real stories of victims, the impact of "minority stresses" and the blind spots of the care system.

Eric sat in the therapist's office and was silent.

"I know everybody thinks there's a way out," he said at last. "Like, he got up and left. But people do not see at all what begins after. They have no idea what is worth even trying.

His partner turned his life into a nightmare by regularly threatening to "out" him: he promised to tell everyone about the details of their relationship and Eric's orientation. For Eric, this would mean the instant loss of his job and the collapse of hopes for partial custody of his daughter from a previous marriage.

As soon as Eric hinted at a breakup, his partner immediately turned on the classic gaslighting: "Who would believe a gay man who complains about violence?" Or even worse - he pressed on his conscience: "If you leave, you will only confirm all the dirty stereotypes about same-sex couples that society already has".

"I don't understand what is real and what is not," Eric admitted. "Part of me is screaming that this is hell and I have to run. And the second whispers that it is simply unrealistic to leave.

Eric didn't stay because he was "weak" or didn't see the danger. He stayed because years of isolation, psychological pressure and a total lack of support from the outside made escape deadly for his career, family and future.

Double Trap: Trauma Plus Stigma

Leaving a toxic or abusive relationship is scary for any person. But for LGBTQ survivors, this path is strewn with additional mines that most people don't notice.

Psychotherapists who work with trauma and LGBTQ clients often observe the so-called Double suffering: first, a person experiences pain from the violence itself, and the burden of social stigma falls on him from above.

Abusers are well aware of this and skillfully exploit the vulnerabilities of the system against the victim:

Intimidation by "disclosure": Threatening to talk about secrets at work, family, or among friends.

Depreciation: suggesting that the police, courts, and crisis centers will raise complaints about laughter.

False shame: Sometimes victims are silent to the last, fearing to "set up" their entire community and attract unnecessary negativity to it.

Society's blind spot

For a long time, it was believed that domestic violence was a problem exclusively for heterosexual couples. The topic of abuse in non-heterosexual relationships has only recently begun to be studied by scientists.

The scale of the problem was revealed only in the early 2010s, when the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) published an unprecedented large-scale study. The numbers were shocking: it turned out that lesbians and bisexual men face severe physical violence even more often than heterosexual people.

But statistics are statistics, and reality is different. Despite the monstrous risks, the vast majority of crisis centers, hotlines, and help services still do not know how to work with LGBTQ victims, leaving them alone with their plight.

P.S. This excerpt is taken in part from the book by Kaytee Gillis (LCSW), a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and trauma specialist. Original Title: Invisible Bruises: How a Better Understanding of the Patterns of Domestic Violence Can Help Survivors Navigate the Legal System («Невидимые синяки: как лучшее понимание закономерностей домашнего насилия может помочь пострадавшим ориентироваться в правовой системе»). Подготовлено по материалам журнала (с) Psychology Today