My partner and I often have conflicts due to misunderstandings and disagreements. We don’t know how to talk about our feelings and needs without hurting each other’s feelings. Every time we talk, it ends in an argument, and we can’t seem to find a compromise. How can we learn to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts peacefully? Arthur, Germany

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Comment by Psychologist A.

Why don't we mention the psychologist by name? The Russian authorities may view a comment or interview with “Doberman.media” as participation in the activities of an “extremist” or “undesirable” organization. Such a “violation” could result in arrest or an actual prison sentence. Psychologist A. is a crisis psychologist and an expert on domestic violence. We have complete confidence in the author and have no doubts about her competence.

90 percent of the problems that arise in relationships are communication problems.

In our grandparents’ day, it wasn’t customary to talk things out, but it was customary to put up with things. This was justified both financially and socially. Nowadays, people seek different things in relationships: happiness, understanding, harmony, and personal growth. It’s impossible to achieve these things without communicating. And from the very beginning, you need to view your partner as an equal who has their own strengths.

There’s a myth that if we argue as a couple, our relationship isn’t real. According to statistics, almost everyone has conflicts. This is normal. When we’re close, certain events happen in the world, in our professional or personal lives, and tension builds up; then, when the right opportunity arises, that energy is released through arguments. It should actually be a cause for concern when there’s no longer any reason to argue—when there’s no shared history left and people have become indifferent to one another.

Conflict is a natural part of relationships. Disagreements are normal. Through conflict, we find the right solution, and as a result, our relationships grow.It’s possible to resolve conflicts without labeling each other in ways that are deeply hurtful. What we say in a harsh manner can be expressed politely and tactfully. Psychologists recommend talking about a person’s actions or behavior, and about the feelings that arise in connection with your partner’s actions at a given moment. Of course, we each interpret a particular action in our own way. For example, “It hurts me that you forget my request. It seems to me that you don’t care about my request.” This is a gentle way of conveying your concern and sharing your feelings. If you hear a complaint directed at you, and you agree with the complaint but don’t like the way it’s being presented, you can say the following: “I accept that, but not in this way.” Speak a little more softly, make eye contact, and keep your breathing calm and steady.

Trying to prove that I’m right and you’re wrong is a mistake. From your partner’s perspective, the situation will look different. Both sides always have their arguments. During an argument, you need to establish some structure. One person speaks while the other listens without interrupting. You can ask, “Did I understand you correctly based on what you said?” Ultimately, you need to find a solution that works for both of you. If you act from a position of power—by threatening, coercing, or blackmailing—such an agreement will only work once, for a short period of time, and it will fall apart. People will be driven by fear rather than an inner sense of agreement with their partner. If the problem isn’t resolved, the likelihood of a recurrence is high. We need to move from an argument to dialogue and the search for a solution. Agreements can be revised, but what’s important is that they provide a foundation to rely on. This is better than chaos, when people are at a loss and don’t know how to act in a specific situation.

It’s important not to generalize or say things like, “You always…,”  “You never…,” “You’re always…” and so on. Such a message is obviously inaccurate and causes a person to become defensive and disagree, because they clearly remember instances when the opposite was true.

When you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, I would recommend doing a “balance check.” It’s best to do this in writing. Think about what you give in this relationship and what you receive.  By comparing these two lists, you’ll realize that lately you’ve been feeling resentful when your contribution significantly exceeds what you receive. If you’ve started taking more without giving anything in return, you might feel guilty, or your partner might show dissatisfaction, and this can lead to difficulties. That said, there’s no need to keep score: “I’ve already done so much for you, and you…” You need to talk about this, using the same “I-statements.”

Be sure to set aside time for the conversation; don’t do it on the fly. “I have SOMETHING to tell you—let’s talk.” Start the conversation by talking about what you like, what’s important to you, and what you’re grateful for. Only after that should you talk about what you’d like to change or bring into the relationship. When we spend more time together, we tend to notice more of each other’s flaws. There are things we’ll have to overlook, work on ourselves in this regard, and tell ourselves that it’s a minor issue and not worth paying attention to—as long as it doesn’t conflict with your core values. For example, if it’s not physical abuse or cheating. But there are some things you simply can’t tolerate. This is a definite red line that you cannot cross. You understand that this is critical for you. In that case, you should honestly and openly ask your partner to meet you halfway. If both people in a relationship are willing to compromise and recognize the positive aspects, it leads to a happy partnership.

Eco-friendly communication is that kind of closeness where you can be yourself, without putting on a facade. Outside the home, we play certain roles, but when we return, we become our true selves. It’s important to understand that alienation can deeply hurt a partner, making them think they’ve done something wrong. If a person chooses this strategy, it most likely developed in childhood, and we’ll end up practicing a certain type of communication. Some people need to escape, withdraw, separate themselves, and retreat to their own little world. For them, silence comes easily. They slam the door and walk away. But to their partner, this can feel like emotional abuse through silence. And, as a rule, such people end up in relationships with partners who find this alienation unbearable. In this case, you need to address it as follows: “When you walk away and don’t talk to me, it feels like you’ve abandoned me. Let’s agree that if something upsets you, you’ll tell me what’s bothering you—but you won’t stay silent. Feeling abandoned leads to despair, and for me, that’s unbearably painful. Don’t abandon me.” Such a request doesn’t guarantee it will be followed. But if your partner continues to behave the same way, knowing what’s going on with you, then you can impose consequences. This means that if you don’t listen to me, I won’t make an effort to meet you halfway either.

It’s worth noting that, for a short while, you can step away and remain silent so you don’t say something you’ll regret in the heat of the moment. Once the tension has subsided, you need to talk. The fact is that in the heat of stress and arguments, the prefrontal cortex becomes less active. At such times, it’s difficult for us to choose our words carefully or get to the heart of the matter. We may start to defend ourselves, insult each other, or criticize one another. During this pause, you can ask yourself, “What do I hope to achieve as a result of this argument?” After that, ask your partner, “What do you want?” It’s not uncommon for both of you to have the same goal in mind. But sometimes a conflict over unwashed dishes isn’t really about the dishes at all—the cause runs much deeper. That’s why you need to ask yourself one more question: “What need of mine isn’t being met?” And you’ll realize for yourself that you’ve long been neglecting the fact that you work too much, don’t get enough sleep, haven’t heard words of gratitude from your partner, and so on.

We’re often held back by resentment toward our partner. In this case, we need to rethink our expectations. If someone owes me something but doesn’t do it, I get angry and feel hurt. If they do what they’re supposed to, I don’t feel happy about it and don’t thank them for it. After all, they simply did what they were supposed to do. The fewer expectations I have, the more likely my partner will make a conscious choice to cook me lunch or dinner, give me their attention, or spend time with me. The more gratitude I’ll feel inside. What matters is HOW you phrase your request. After all, the phrases “You have to clean the apartment” and “I’d appreciate it if you cleaned up” sound completely different.

Another mistake is becoming too entangled. In that case, we’re more likely to feel a painful emotional dependence rather than love.

In relationships, everything should be in moderation. I like comparing a relationship between two people to a chef’s creation—one with many ingredients in specific proportions. If there’s too much of one ingredient in this dish, it will be cloyingly sweet and might even make you feel sick. If there’s too much jealousy, the dish is clearly oversalted and inedible. If there’s too much separation, it might end up looking like millet porridge, which not everyone likes. Even if you have great sex but have nothing to talk about—if you have different values—each of you might start looking at other people’s plates. There’s not much of a future in a relationship like that.

Every family and every relationship develops its own customs, norms, and rules, including those related to expressing love. What was valuable and meaningful in one partner’s family of origin—what brought great joy and was recognized as an expression of love—may be taken for granted in the other partner’s family, seen as routine and not requiring acknowledgment or gratitude, and vice versa. By learning the love language of your loved one, you can continually fill their “vessel of love,” and the process will be mutual.

Ph.D. Gary Chapman, drawing on his practical experience working with couples, described the five love languages that are most common among people. These are the ways people use to express their love and affection to one another: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and quality time. Each love language has various forms and ways of expression.

To the love languages identified by Gary Chapman, we can add expressions of emotions and feelings. The following “dialects” can be considered love languages: words of affirmation (“I appreciate you,” “I love you,” “Thank you for being here”), praise, approval, forgiveness, requests, and words of encouragement (“I believe in you,” “You’re doing a great job,” “Don’t give up”). Words of gratitude are very important. What happens in a relationship doesn’t just happen on its own. We make it happen for each other. It’s important to understand that the words people speak operate on several levels: there is the content itself, the meaning conveyed by the words. But there is also the attitude toward the partner’s actions, which is conveyed through intonation. Research shows that verbal cues (words) and the way a person says them—their intonation—are equally important for understanding another person. Nonverbal cues also matter: facial expressions, gestures, posture, distance, eye contact, and so on. It’s important that the meaning a person conveys with words matches what is expressed in their intonation and demonstrated through their behavior. If you tell your partner that you’re listening attentively while your eyes are glued to your phone, they’ll feel unimportant and that you’re not interested in them. Over time, this lack of a sense of self-worth becomes entrenched and leads to dissatisfaction in the relationship.

It’s a great stroke of luck to meet someone with whom you can build a trusting relationship. If you’re lucky enough to find such a person, you should cherish and nurture that relationship.