"My father's words stuck in my head: 'Gays are not worth living.'" Belarusians spoke about life at home and in emigration

Gay magazine Doberman.media I learned from representatives of the LGBT+ community who are abroad in forced immigration how they now live compared to their homeland.

By the will of fate or by their own choice, all our heroes left Belarus and can compare their lives before and after moving to another country. We asked our heroes the same questions and asked them to share their thoughts on how they perceived their life before emigration and what their current reality is. What difficulties did they face at home and what difficulties did they face in immigration? Why did they make the decision to emigrate, and what would they say to members of the community who are just thinking about it?

Navigating the characters:

Dima, 25 years old 

My father's words stuck in my head: "Gays are not worthy of life and such people must be exterminated"

I was born in Belarus, I have lived all my adult life in the city of Minsk. I have not lived in Belarus since 2021. Now I live like this: six months in Ukraine, six months in Poland.

I can’t say that coming out was very easy. When you grow up in a family where your father is homophobic, it’s impossible to come to terms with the idea that being gay is normal. At 16, I began to realize that something was wrong with me. I didn’t know who I could talk to about it. My father’s words were stuck in my head: “Gay people are not worthy of life, and they should be exterminated”. I constantly replayed the worst thoughts in my head. This led to the fact that I almost committed suicide. 

In addition, everything is very bad with LGBTQ+ rights in Belarus. I had to lie not only because gays are poorly perceived in Belarus, but also because since childhood I was taught the idea: “Don’t say this or that about yourself, because what matters is what your neighbors, friends, coworkers, and so on will think of you.”. I had to lie. There were so many lies that I was simply confused in myself. The final acceptance of myself happened when I went to live in Ukraine. Before leaving, I talked to my mother and told him about myself. Fortunately, she received me and said that she had long suspected this. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, some of my friends stopped communicating with me because I am gay.

In Belarus, as I said, things are really bad when it comes to acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. There are constant raids on gay clubs, and homophobes are everywhere. Again, you’re constantly hiding, lying to those around you so you don’t lose your job or ruin your reputation. And it all becomes a vicious cycle. I don’t know—it was very difficult for me. I wanted to emigrate back in 2019, when I realized that Belarus was too confining for me. I stopped seeing a future for myself in Belarus, because even then I understood what a dictatorship was and what it meant to face constant restrictions on what you could do or say. I was preparing to move to Ukraine, but the pandemic played a cruel joke on all of us. In 2020, the protests began, and I took an active part in all the demonstrations, never hiding my face. We often organized our own demonstrations in the courtyard where I lived, filmed various videos, gave interviews, and so on. In 2021, I decided to leave Belarus because someone close to me had been arrested and I was facing the threat of imprisonment. Everything happened very quickly; within a day I was already in Russia, and five days later I was in Ukraine (I had seven days to leave Russia, since Belarus and Russia share a single database that is updated once a week—that’s what one of the volunteers told me).

It wasn’t easy in Ukraine. The first month was one of complete confusion—you don’t know what to do next. You’ve lost everything; there’s no turning back. There was a period of using illegal substances and drinking huge amounts of alcohol, just to avoid facing the fact that your life was ruined. A month later, I came to my senses and started moving forward. I kept thinking that if I kept going down that path—I’d either die of an overdose or drink myself to death, ending up somewhere under a fence. Fortunately, I found a job fairly quickly and was already working for Ukrainian companies. In August 2021, I emigrated to Poland, and my life continued there.

It was a little easier in Poland, since I wasn't alone; there were other Belarusians with me, and we helped each other. There were many challenges. When you travel through different countries – That's one thing, but when you emigrate – It’s a little different. You don’t know how the laws work or how even the most basic things function. You’re learning everything from scratch—a new language, new rules, a new life. I don’t know a single person for whom everything came very easily and who didn’t face any difficulties during the emigration process. I want to express my immense gratitude to the foundations and volunteer organizations that helped resolve 80% of my issues in Poland. After just six months, life was back to normal.

When I compare life in the EU to life in Belarus, I feel free now. Yes, I don’t have my own apartment, a car, or relatives nearby, as I did in Belarus. But I can breathe freely and don’t have to hide my sexual orientation, because people here are protected. With the new government in Poland, things are starting to change for the better for the LGBTQ+ community. There are a lot of positive developments here. In Belarus, you live on a powder keg—you never know what tomorrow will bring. For example, if you accidentally “like” the wrong post, you could end up in jail. But in the EU, there’s at least some stability, reliability, and democracy. In Ukraine, by the way, I wasn’t afraid to talk about myself either; in fact, everyone at all the Ukrainian companies knew about my sexual orientation (since many had seen my interviews or TikTok videos), and everyone treated me with kindness and care. That made me happy.

Friends, do not be afraid to emigrate. Twice I lost everything and started over. I will not lie to you and tell you that everything will be fine. On the contrary, I will tell you the truth. It will be difficult. There will be many questions and problems that you may face, but they will always come to your aid. Those who have already emigrated will always help you, there are many of us here. It may be difficult to adapt, but in the end, you will feel this taste of freedom and understand that everything was not in vain. Don't think, just act.

You can read more about Dima's story here:

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Vadim, 29 years old

Vadim spoke to us in Belarusian. This is a translation.

One of the first queries I made through the search engine was: "Is it possible to cure homosexuality?"

I was born in Baranovichi (Belarus), and then, after 17 years after I entered the university, I moved to Minsk and lived there until December 2021. It seems to me that I have always understood my dissimilarity, or if I may say so, a peculiarity, a dissimilarity from other guys. The understanding that I like men came when I was 6 years old.  I remember exactly how I liked the neighbor with whom my grandmother left me and it was special. Even at that age, I had erotic dreams with his participation. I didn't know the word "gay" and what it meant then, but I instinctively understood that I definitely didn't need to tell my friends, mom, or dad frankly about it. The environment in which I was brought up was, of course, homophobic. Everything, from elementary school to summer camp, told you to hide in a closet and pretend to belong among strangers. And I pretended, tried to convince myself that it would pass, but nothing changed. I remember when I was 13 or 14 years old, and the first Internet appeared in phones, then they did not widely know Google and slang "google", but one of the first queries I made through a search engine was: "Is it possible to cure homosexuality?"

Now I remember it and even feel uncomfortable, but this is a good example showing what mood reigned in society. After moving to the capital, I still tried to date girls, even until the 2nd year of university, and also quarantined myself for gay. I tried to forget, not quite realizing that I had been deceiving myself all this time. At the end of the 2nd year of university, my first contact with a guy happened. It was accidental and not at all in Minsk. I really wanted to travel and having collected money, I decided to go to the Beyonce concert in Belgrade. There was an interesting incident, but it was not sex. The guy just touched my hand: he squeezed it tightly, then lightly stroked it with his fingers. It was in a large crowd of people who came to see a world-class star, but I had no time for her. I was very excited, my heart was beating hard, but nothing went beyond that. After the concert was over, he, looking at me, disappeared into the crowd, and I tried to find him. It is clear that this did not make sense. 

Time passed, I felt more confident as a gay man, but the external environment in Belarus did not change. Of course, no one will talk openly and raise questions about this in a country in which administrative articles for so-called LGBTQ+ propaganda are still being created. Even earlier, before the article, whenever I went on a date with a guy in a café in Minsk and the conversation turned to our "secret" - the tone of voice became quieter so that no one heard our conversation and did not understand that we were gay. Maybe no one would have done anything, but this fear of being discovered shackled me to a lump in my throat. In Minsk, during 2010-16, there were 1 or 2 places called gay clubs, or open spaces; No one used the prefix "gay" in the official name, but people knew that you could be yourself there. For example, places of worship Casta Diva, or Cafe Romashka, or Babylon Club. All of these places are long gone, and in my opinion, this is a significant obstacle for the LGBTQ community. 

I left Belarus in December 2021. The reason was 2020 and my active participation in the protest movement (against the falsification of the 2020 presidential elections and the lawlessness of the security forces - approx. Doberman.media). At the time when I decided to leave, my ex-boyfriend had already moved to Ukraine to live with his friends. I hesitated for a long time about moving, and he tried to convince me that I had to go now. At one point, I felt that everything had shrunk so much, the news background was already unbearable, and I decided to move within a day and a half. I packed the most necessary things, bought a train ticket to Moscow, and from there by plane through Warsaw to Lviv. We lived there for almost 2 months and in early February, having received a job offer, I moved to Warsaw. Over the next week, the ex-boyfriend also moved. We were lucky, because my company provided us with everything. From an agent who dealt with documents for obtaining a residence permit, plane tickets, to temporary housing and food in the refrigerator for a week. Interestingly, the company covered everything to the former partner, without even requiring any documents on the legalization of the relationship. 

In a new country, I feel better from all points of view. Польша несравненно более свободная страна, прошедшие выборы в польском сейм наглядно это демострируют. Меня, например, сильно удивил тот факт, что если правительство изменило общий налог с 15 до 12%, то сумма переплаты позже пришла на карту. Более того, если ты подаешь налоговую декларацию, а это здесь должен делать каждый, кто официально платит налоги, ты можешь направить 1.5% своих доходов в любую NGO (некоммерческая негосударственная организация), или просто сообщество, которое репрезентирует твои интересы. Не знаю, доживем ли мы до такого в Беларуси.

But, of course, there are also difficulties here. For example, the strong influence of religion, and the still existing ban on abortion, inflation, as well as homophobia. Of course, in Warsaw, or in other large cities, people can even hold hands if they, for example, walk in the center. I'm not even talking about the fact that every major city has a Pride, but if you look at a more provincial area, you won't see anything like that there. Earlier, a couple of years ago, in Lublin and Bialystok there were LGBTQ+ free zones, they identified themselves with stickers, but now, fortunately, there is no such thing. And this does not mean at all that people there have become more tolerant. At the same time, here you feel much more that you are able to change something if you are not satisfied with something. I mean the point of the relationship between the government and society. It is clear that the country is developing and has a good chance of being even more economically strong in the future.

Dmitry, 35 years old 

Once I was beaten up by a whole company of 5 homophobes right in the city in broad daylight, and if it were not for the intervening passers-by, then perhaps I would have been killed in front of everyone

Six months ago, I moved to Poland, and before that I lived all my life in Belarus, in Grodno.

As a teenager, I realized pretty quickly that I wasn’t straight, but I thought I was bisexual because I was attracted to both girls and boys at the time. School and the neighborhood were extremely homophobic and intolerant places, so it wasn’t until after I graduated that I mustered the courage to come out to my straight best friend. Surprisingly, he reacted very well and supported me. Then, between the ages of 19 and 24, there was a long period of acceptance, during which I realized that sexual orientation isn’t a binary category but a spectrum, since I dated girls but understood that sometimes I was attracted to girls and sometimes to guys. After my military service and the death of my ex-girlfriend—with whom I’d remained good friends and stayed in close contact—it just sort of clicked that, at 25, I was more attracted to guys, and that’s when I started thinking about a serious relationship. Then I met my boyfriend online, and here we are—we’ve been together for 10 years now.

As an LGBTQ+ person, until I was about 25 years old, I felt terrible, because you couldn't talk to anyone about it at school, there was no information about LGBTQ+, and you didn't say such words out loud. During the university, it became even worse, since there was a process of acceptance and awareness inside, the body demanded sex, and getting to know someone in Grodno was a whole secret mission. Everyone was afraid, encrypted, used other people's photos, and for good reason, because once I was beaten by a whole company of 5 homophobes right in the city in broad daylight, and if it were not for the intervening passers-by, then perhaps I would have been killed in front of everyone.

Only after 25, when I started a serious relationship with a guy, I opened up to all my friends. Most of them reacted normally to my coming out, and since then I felt better, stopped hiding my orientation, did not talk about it left and right, but if I was asked, I answered directly.

We wanted to move for a long time, because for 8 years we went on vacation to different countries in Europe and saw a completely different attitude towards gays – a normal attitude when most people don't care if a guy and a girl or two guys walk hand in hand, when there are gay clubs in the cities where you can dance and dress the way you want, And not to control yourself on the dance floor, so that no one around you thinks anything about you. And as a result, last year everything coincided, the situation in the country has been unstable for several years, my boyfriend found an official job in Poland, and the desire to move coincided with opportunities.

Well, no matter how you look at it, Poland is a much more tolerant country toward LGBTQ+ people. Yes, there are challenges—the Polish language isn’t easy to learn, and applying for a residence permit is a real ordeal—but I understand that learning a new language and legalizing your stay in any other country would be difficult, not just in Poland.

In Belarus, there are no LGBTQ+ organizations, no openly LGBTQ+ representatives, and no mechanisms for support or protection against discrimination. In Słupsk (Poland), a city with a population of less than 100,000 where we currently live, there is an LGBTQ+ organization called SLUPSQ+, which held an “equality march” here last year. Rainbow flags hang in a coffee shop in the city center, and in 2023, two LGBTQ+-friendly parties were held there. I can’t imagine anything like this happening in a Belarusian city, for example, Lida or Volkovysk. That’s why even here, living in a small town, I feel much more comfortable.

Let me put it this way: I’ve been very lucky to have friends who really supported me a great deal while I was living in Belarus, and I fully understand that everyone’s situation is different—some have families and relatives, while others have jobs and school. That’s why I’m not going to tell everyone, “Leave!” I can only speak for myself: I’m an openly LGBTQ+ person, and I’ve become much more at ease here. I feel safer and less stressed.

Dmitry Korol

Vadim spoke to us in Belarusian. This is a translation.

The problem of the queer community in Belarus is that people are still afraid and ashamed of their sexuality, which is why there are so few open queers […] Dictatorship does not like people who inspire others to be free.

I'm a doctor, a queer activist, a drag Quinn.

Gradually, I realized that I liked guys. The environment was not homophobic, only the parents reacted negatively, kicked him out of the house and forced him to change his surname. All my friends, acquaintances and even friends of my parents accepted me. There is contact with the parents now, but they do not want to talk about "gayness".

I felt like I was in a dough that supported me. I understood that sooner or later a situation could happen where I could be harmed or blocked from growing because of sexuality.

The problem of the queer community in Belarus is that people are still afraid and ashamed of their sexuality, which is why there are so few open queers. And the heteromajority has fears and negative expectations, since often people do not have open gays in their environment.

Why did I decide to emigrate? After all, I understood that sooner or later they would come for me, if I continued to be myself, open and free. Dictatorship does not like people who inspire others to be free. So through colleagues I got the information that I need to run away, otherwise there will be problems.

Now I am living the best life I could have imagined before. I have a doctor's salary, the respect of the queer community and creative fulfillment. I do projects and enjoy life.

What challenges did you have to face?! With their fears, negative expectations, bureaucracy and other things. The challenge now is that democratic institutions in Germany are going through a crisis and we, as a queer community, are trying to help them in the fight against right-wing populists.

The main difference between life in Belarus and the country where I live now is that I do not consider and do not feel like a second-class person, compared to hetero, as it was in Belarus. I believe that the environment here is more conducive to self-development. No one here needs to prove that you are also a person. Just do what your heart wants, go and build your story.

What would I like to say to the IRGC community in Belarus? Learn languages and soft skills. Whether you will move or not is not yet known. But it is better to prepare for emigration. Even if it does not happen, knowledge of languages and good communication will help you in life. Calculate your risks and be prepared for different options to get out of problematic moments shining.

Alesya, 30 years old

Alesya spoke to us in Belarusian. This is a translation.

We are the same people as everyone else and have the right to be complete!

My name is Alesya, I am from Belarus. You can say that I lived in the "closet" all my life until I met my girlfriend and future wife. My first love happened when I was 14 years old. She was 5-6 years older than me, and, of course, she had no idea about anything. I didn't understand what was happening to me, I was terribly embarrassed that in the presence of this girl I felt something unusual when you both wanted and were afraid to look up at a person, not to mention when she called me by name. An electric current ran through me.

At that time, there was almost no information about gays or lesbians, the only homosexuals I saw were Boris Maiseev and the Tatu group. And it seemed to be something forbidden, something that good girls do not do, and I, by the way, was an excellent student at school, read books, did not smoke and did not wander around the entrances. Parents thought they had the perfect child. It's funny now. 

As I said, I realized that I was gay only at the age of 26, when I met my girlfriend, with whom we are now dating, and recently, it was already 5 years since we were together. But before her, I dated guys. But "dated" is a big word. I had only one more or less serious relationship. For the most part, the relationship did not work out. With some of them, I even felt some kind of threat. Even with a guy whom, you can say, I loved, we had a rather toxic relationship, and I didn't like many things, but I was raised by typical parents of "Soviet upbringing", when a woman should listen to a man, look after him, serve him. I myself had internal homophobia for a long time, even when we started dating my girlfriend.

For a long time, I was in an environment of people where it was normal to joke angrily about "" and say "I'm not gay" and so on. It was hard for me to accept the idea that I was normal. But I fell in love with a person of the same sex as me, and for the first time I felt so happy that I realized that something had to be done about this inner homophobia. Around the 20th year, I started therapy, not only because I wanted to understand how to live with the understanding that I am now "not the right person" in the eyes of most people and society, but also for other needs, but therapy helped me a lot. 

I will not say that I have ever felt any aggression in my direction. But only our closest friends knew about our relationship, and, to be honest, girls are occasionally looked at sideways when they hold hands or rent an apartment together. It is much more difficult for the guys. But, of course, with my sharp and emotional perception of reality, I sometimes noticed these sidelong glances in our direction. And what can I say, my best friend at that time said that she could no longer be close friends with me, since she did not understand it. It was very painful, I am still living through this trauma. But now I realize that it was probably not that she was homophobic, but that she saw my girlfriend as a rival, a threat to our friendship. And at that time I did not have the strength and desire to explain anything to her or somehow fight for our friendship. Or maybe she is homophobic, and this does not make it easier.  

Emigration was a forced step because of the events in Belarus in 1920, like many other Belarusians. But of course, we also understood that if we want to live openly, if we want to get married and have children, then, alas, this is impossible in Belarus. 

We moved to Georgia, a country with incredibly beautiful landscapes and incredibly conservative views. Although the gay camuunity here is large, even more open than in Belarus. Here you can much more often meet people who, because of their appearance, quite unambiguously broadcast their orientation. Surprisingly, here in this conservative, Orthodox country, we felt more freedom and more trust that you can be who you are, love a girl and hide it only in conversations with the adult generation. 

We lived in Georgia for 2 years, we were very happy when there was, well, not a gay pride parade, but there were some events like a week of pride. We knew what was happening here in 2021, when a journalist was killed during an attempt to hold a pride, in 2022 and 2023 we ourselves saw these goblins beaten on their heads, who walked through the streets of Tbilisi with icons in their hands, who destroyed the pride festival, which never took place, because the pogrom began, and the organizers were taken out of there, we also knew, that the police turned a blind eye to a lot of things. But it was still not Belarus, where homosexuals are only talked about behind closed doors, as if we still have the Soviet Union. 

In 2023, we decided to go to live in Argentina. We knew unconditionally how strong LGBTQ+ support was here, we knew that here we could get married even as tourists and we could have children if we wished. For the first months, I felt like I was in the Sex Education series in season 2, where Eric says: "Everybody is gay! Gays are everywhere.” It was so unusual to see guys holding hands, kissing each other. Here you see people who look the way they want: the guys draw eyes and nails, wear earrings and rings, wear open tops, do not hesitate to show their bodies, in general, dress very brightly and shockingly. I really like to see such different people here. I am talking about guys because I sincerely believe that it is a little easier for girls, especially in the sense of expressing themselves through appearance. In general, people are different here: girls are less complex about their weight, more often you meet female taxi drivers, female drivers of public transport, police officers; Men are softer, very often you can meet dads who take care of children with some feminine energy, do not hesitate to express love and tenderness to their children, women. In the presence of men, you don't feel this overwhelming, threatening muscularity. 

It seems that if I were to return to Belarus now, it would be very difficult for me to hide in the "closet" again. I don't want to kiss my girlfriend in the middle of the street. No, on the contrary, I would say, We are quite reserved and modest. But I don't want to choose my words every time I tell something and remember my girlfriend, to wonder if it's possible to be myself with this person or it's better to say that this is my friend. I don't want to feel this pressure of the patriarchal environment, where a priori people believe that your partner is a guy, where it doesn't even occur to them that it could be otherwise. And of course, I want to make sure that if we get married, it will be fully supported at all levels of public life. 

I believe that the choice of a country to move to depends on your priorities and your views. For example, we are thinking about returning to Europe, because we are closer to mentality, culture, although, it would seem, Argentina is an ideal country for LGBTQ+ people, it is easier to get citizenship here, it is easier to legalize, here you can be yourself. Should I stay in Belarus? It seems to me that this is a personal choice of everyone, since people do not always decide to move because of the circumstances with the LGBTQ+ issue, there are a lot of factors. But I believe that safety is a very weighty argument, and if you feel threatened, it is difficult and uncomfortable for you, this is a very strong push in the back that you need to change something in your life. Living all your life in a "closet", hiding from society who you really are, it is exhausting and exhausts too much energy, not to mention the fact that it is simply unfair, because we are the same people as everyone else and have the right to be full-fledged citizens of the country where they live.