What is “guestlighting,” and why do LGBT+ people do it more often?

Modern dating has long since turned into a minefield. Almost everyone who has ever used a dating app has experienced someone simply stopping responding—without explanation, without saying goodbye. That’s what “ghosting” is.

But now there's a new, even more despicable tactic— "gostlighting". Imagine this: a person disappears, like a ghost, and then comes back and tries to convince you that… they never went anywhere. Nothing like that happened. That you made it all up.

Yeah, in 2025, people decided to combine “ghosting” and “gaslighting” into one package.

What does “guest lighting” even mean?

Sex therapist Kai Korpak explains: "It's when someone suddenly disappears, stops writing, and then reappears and makes excuses—saying, 'It's no big deal, I was just busy.'"

A typical phrase from a guest writer:
"I'm just swamped with work, you know?"

In reality, this is a form of manipulation. The person isn't just avoiding an unpleasant conversation—they're making you doubt your own memory and feelings.

How does guest lighting differ from regular lighting?

Under normal at the guesthouse A person just fades away—it's unpleasant, but it's perfectly clear. Guest Lighting — that's when he disappears and then comes back, acts like nothing happened, and even tries to blame you:
"I wasn't actually gone. You're the one who disappeared."

According to sexologist and therapist Sophie Roos, such people often say:

"You just made it all up,"
"I wrote to you, but you didn't see it,"
"I was depressed, but I didn't just disappear... that's just what it seemed to you."

Why do LGBT+ people do this more often?

It's paradoxical, but yes—researchers say that In the LGBT community, ghostlighting is more common. And it's not about selfishness, but about fears.

Kai Korpak explains: "When you live in a small community where everyone knows everything about everyone else, breakups often get complicated. People disappear not because they want to hurt anyone, but because they're afraid of intimacy or of being recognized.".

Many queer people are still in the closet, afraid that someone will “out” them. They might disappear out of fear, and then return when they feel safe—and pretend that nothing ever happened.

Sophie Roos adds:

"Sometimes people are so confused by their feelings that they don't even know who broke up with whom. That's how ghosting happens."

Why do people do that anyway?

The main reason is avoidance.
For some people, it's easier to just disappear than to be honest and say: "It just didn't work out between us". And then, when guilt starts to weigh on you, go back—not to apologize, but to rewrite the story to suit yourself.

"This is an attempt to regain control and ease one's conscience without taking responsibility", says Korpak.

Roos adds:

"Sometimes it's a way to protect one's ego. Instead of admitting that they've changed their mind, a person pretends that the other person is just overreacting."

How to Tell If You're Being "Gostlated"

If someone disappears for weeks and then shows up as if nothing had happened—that’s already a red flag. But there are other signs as well:

• It's constantly either warm or cold;
• you start to doubt your own memory;
• he accuses you of being "too sensitive";
• You feel confused and silly.

"If you feel like you 'seem' all the time, it's a bad sign", — says Korpak.

What to Do If You Realize You're Being Ghosted

Sophie Roos advises keeping a journal and recording the facts—dates, messages, and feelings. This will help prevent someone from erasing your reality.

Korpak adds:

“Let yourself feel those emotions. Then decide whether you want to tell the person everything straight out or just walk away.”

The most important thing is not to see his disappearance as a reflection of your worth.

And if you suddenly realize that you're the one hosting

Yes, that does happen. Especially among those who grew up without examples of honest communication.
If you realize you acted like a jerk, start by admitting it.

Kai Korpak suggests a phrase like:

"I realize I just disappeared instead of honestly explaining how I feel. I'm sorry if that confused you."

Don't push it any further. The person might not want to come back to you. That's their right.

Roos adds:

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, but don’t make excuses either. Just ask yourself what you were afraid of—hurting someone, appearing vulnerable, or looking bad? And work on it.”.