"I don't know what I want out of this life"

Often people with such questions turn to psychologists. At first glance, this request may seem frivolous. Just imagine a person who has no motivation, no clear goals in life and no understanding of where he is going and how his life is going. Usually, such people live like robots: work, home, work, home. Sooner or later, they begin to think: "What is all this for?"

 Why is this important?

And if today a psychologist who is interested in the topic of artificial intelligence were asked what is the main difference between a human and artificial intelligence, he would say that there is a motivational sphere. This is what radically distinguishes a human from any artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence has not yet learned how to set tasks, such as learning to play the guitar to please boys or girls, or being jealous of someone on Instagram and trying to make the same career. He does not know how to set goals for himself. And that's probably a good thing. The motivational sphere is what distinguishes humans from artificial intelligence. And now imagine that it "broke". In fact, this is a very complex and multifaceted issue. Very often we deal with this as a symptom. That is, the unwillingness to do something is sometimes a symptom.

Real-life example 

As always, I will start with an example, a 28-year-old man turned to me. He is a successful professional in his field, but suddenly began to realize that he no longer likes work, hobbies, or communication with friends. Life had lost interest for him, and after work he felt empty and indifferent. His only desire was to drink beer, as they say, he suffered from beer alcoholism. He understood that something was wrong in his life, and he turned to a psychologist with this problem. Firstly, he was worried about beer alcoholism, and secondly, he did not understand what he was going to live for and what to do.

In the course of therapy, we found out that these were signs of depression and anxiety, which he successfully compensated for with alcohol consumption. In his particular case, the reason for his reluctance to do something was constant stress and burnout at work. As I said, this man was a professional and by the age of 28 he had reached a good position. However, he asked himself the question: "Do I want all this?" and did not find an answer, did not set new goals for himself.

What are the symptoms?

It is worth understanding that reluctance and apathy are symptoms of other conditions. It can be a symptom of depression, anxiety disorder, or burnout. Therefore, if you feel that you have lost motivation, first of all, screen for these conditions. There are valid tests for detecting depression, anxiety and burnout (for example, the Maslach and other tests). If you suddenly lose the desire to do something, this may be a key sign. It is also worth considering physiological causes, such as diseases or hormonal changes.

 Sometimes motivation drops with diabetes or other diseases.  For example, hormonal disorders, chronic diseases such as diabetes can reduce motivation in people, causing a constant feeling of fatigue and loss of interest in activities. Sleep disruption also often leads to a loss of motivation, which is logical: if you don't sleep, then what could be the reasons to be active? Social reasons, such as losing a job or significant relationships, can also greatly influence motivation.

Sometimes the lack of motivation is the result of poor upbringing. Ask yourself: Were you allowed to want something as a child? Did your parents and grandparents allow you to have your own opinion? If so, then you can look for causes in the psychological field and start working on them.

If the cause is still psychological, you can make a diagnosis – stress, depression, burnout – and deal with it within the framework of the accepted protocols. I am not a supporter of running to a psychologist right away. Start doing something. In depression, a person does nothing, so he does not know what he wants. Because of this, the mood deteriorates and depression worsens. How is this problem solved in psychology? It's very simple: you need to force yourself to do something. But how do you force yourself to do something when you don't want anything? There are several methods that can help in such a situation.

Support independent journalism. This is not a pop-up. You can scroll further or dismiss this notification

Doberman Media works without investors and grants – only thanks to you. Your help, even a small one, allows us to continue our work. Help us survive: subscribe or support one-time. No way to donate? Just forward this text to a friend.

What to do?

One of the problems is cognitive distortions, which, unfortunately, are very numerous. One of the most important is unrealistic expectations. They look like this: "love the queen like that, lose a million like that" and so on. This leads to the fact that a person dreams of a million dollars, but the brain sees that even a thousand euros a month is unattainable, and, as in the well-known meme "expectation is reality", the brain decides not to dream so as not to be upset.

Low self-esteem can also be a reason for low motivation: if there have been situations in life where you have not been successful, your brain has learned to think that any effort is pointless.

Procrastination is another common problem. Procrastinating tasks leads to feelings of overload and, as a result, a loss of motivation.

If you don't know what to do and what to desire. The first thing you should ask yourself, even before going to a psychologist, is whether you want to want anything at all. Yes, yes, that's right. We all live on social media and in a social environment that always looks cool. Today there is a duel between psychologists and marketers. Marketers impose fears and interests on people that are not characteristic of them, and psychologists are engaged in correcting this. Therefore, we can say that we have a big "vendetta" with marketers.

Sometimes people come with a request: "I don't want this," but in essence it sounds like: "I want something different." For example, on Instagram, everyone travels, and you want to have a dacha, sow cucumbers there, get a chicken. Here the first question arises: very often, when we believe that we have no motivation, we have it, but it is directed towards something else, not accepted in society. The first step in therapy is not to start wanting something, but to realize that you may want something that is not socially accepted. You may not want to be a businessman, but just work at your job. And that's okay.

In this "vendetta" between psychologists and marketers, I want psychologists to win, helping people feel their desires. And what if you don't really know what you want? What to do next?

Our brain learns very well, and if we don't get what we want, it can react on the principle of "I didn't really want to". This can lead to the fact that our motivational sphere as a whole suffers.

I want to tell one more story. A girl in one of the groups said: "It's good that you deal with stress, depression and anxiety, but I feel bad when I'm calm, when everything is fine." The girl explained that for the last 2-3 years she had been learning to survive and did it better than anyone else. But now that the situation has improved, she does not know how to live an ordinary life, does not understand what it means to do something ordinary, dream and move on. In one of the groups, one man said that he basically stopped wanting something when life became calm.

How to overcome this? 

The first step is to recognize the problem. Ask yourself: Do you really have a constant feeling of apathy and lack of desire? This is the first step towards change.

 The second step is to identify disturbances in mood or anxiety. If there are, see if depression and other conditions are the cause. 

The third step is to check the physiological causes: shortness of breath, increased thirst or signs of another somatic disease. Loss of motivation can be a sign of many diseases that you are not even aware of.

Set achievable goals

If all this is not there, you can take your time to see a psychologist. Try to set achievable goals for yourself. For example, if you don't know how to get your motivation back to work, set a small goal: get to know something new every day. If you start to succeed in something, start a diary of achievements.

 We often devalue our achievements and dwell on failures. It's like a schoolboy who gets praise for good grades for granted, but gets punished for bad ones. The motivation then looks like this: not to get punished, but not necessarily to receive praise.

Try to write down different interests, hobbies, activities that you are interested in or were interested in.  It has been noticed that people who are fond of sports or art get new strength and inspiration from it. 

Communicate with new people, because a person is a social creature, and we depend on the environment. Take a closer look at people who want something, maybe you can learn something from them.

A useful technique is to use social networks. Look at what you are jealous of. Travel? Professional achievements? Write down the values that are important to you. They can change at every stage of life. There are tests to identify values. Look at your idols, at the people who inspire you, and ask yourself: what are the values of these people? What needs to be done to implement these values? This will be the key to finding your desires.

For example, if you value being useful in the field of mental health, you can go to study psychology. Take a closer look at what you are interested in and act.

Learn to manage stress

 No matter how trite it may sound, but any psychologist will offer you exercises, meditations, deep breathing, relaxation techniques to reduce stress levels. The logic is simple: under stress, it is difficult for us to set goals and understand what we want. How does our brain work? He is rational. If you are stressed, then you need to survive, and the brain asks the question: "What are your plans? What is the motivation? You have another goal - to survive." So if you're living in survival mode, start by calming down.

When you have written down what you would like to try in life (these are not desires yet, just interests), conduct an experiment in each of these areas. For example, you want to try equestrian sports. Go to a trial lesson. Do you want to have your own home? Do not take out a mortgage right away. Perhaps rent a house first or ask friends who have their own house about all the nuances. Test the ideas that you wrote down earlier to understand whether it is yours or not. Do not be afraid to test, because we are often hostages to the belief that if we have made a decision, we must follow it to the end. What if not? And what if you made a mistake? Don't be afraid to test hypotheses. Sometimes something strange can turn into a successful business. 

For example, one of my clients dreamed of selling vegetables at the market. Today, he has a farm and grows microgreens. Thanks to psychotherapy and his aspirations, his "strange" desire became a business.

Another way to understand what you want is to communicate openly with friends and family. Talk to them, ask them what they value in you, how they see you. My favorite technique in this regard is Johari windows. You ask others what they know about you, write down what you know about yourself, and compare that knowledge. This helps to know your strengths and weaknesses and can give you a direction to go. For example, if everyone thinks you're a great blogger, even though you're running Instagram just for fun, it might suggest new opportunities.

Last but not least. We often live in pursuit of the fact that "we have to want something" or "we have to be able to do something". Give yourself time not to want anything, be in the moment. As the Eastern sages say, we often think about the future or the past, but do we live in the present? One of the best ways to figure out what you want is to stop and give yourself an honest answer that you're at a stage in your life where you don't want anything, and you can just relax. Give yourself a month or two to not want anything.

Motivation is important, it determines where we are going. But sometimes it is worth being alone with your thoughts, stopping and realizing that there is already a life around you, which you may have wanted. Look back and realize that you have already achieved a lot.