My partner is trying to change me. Am I okay? And what about our relations?

And what if your closest and dearest people are trying to change you? If we are talking about men's appeals related to personal life or family therapy, then the request from partners may sound like this: "Redo it, please." Or, as one of my clients said about his husband: "Fix it." But today we will not talk about how to fix someone – from the point of view of psychology, this is, in principle, an impossible and stupid task. I'd like to talk about something else: what if your partner is trying to change you? How to survive? 

Maybe you have faced such a situation when your partner is trying to change your habits, attitudes, your values, your life. This ranges from gentle pressure to criticism, overt manipulation or control. Very often I would say that we all change, and it's normal that we take some comments in our direction, whether they are related to some bad habits. If someone tells you that you drink beer and drink alcohol quite often, this is probably a reason to think. Let's talk about something else: when your partner tries to change you, tries to destroy your uniqueness and self-esteem.

And let's start with the cases. One of the cases when the partner is not satisfied with the couple, in principle, they are well compatible. Rarely do people in psychotherapy sit together, hug. It looks like one partner loves exhibitions, loves to go somewhere, likes to do something, and the other prefers to be at home, sitting, and no one tries to find a compromise. Most likely, instead of offering some compromises, the guy begins to remake the guy, claiming that he is living wrong, and given this, he is doing it wrong, and so on. The partner even tries to impose interests that are not characteristic of the other partner, for example, cooking or fitness in a particular case. 

Well, it manifests itself in the form of wishes or in a particular case it looks like this: "You don't meet my expectations", "You're not what I would like", "I would like to see another man next to me" and so on. This leads to the fact that in this couple, the other guy who is trying to be changed has lost his self-esteem. He realized that he was not living up to the expectations of his partner, his husband, and the situation became such that although he really loved him and wanted to be with him, his constant desire to redo or "fix" prevented him from feeling at ease in his presence. After all, in family therapy, he asks the question why in this relationship they are constantly trying to remake him and make him better.

The partner who wanted to be remade wanted to preserve this relationship, on the other hand, he wanted to preserve his uniqueness. His uniqueness was that he was not quite an active person, he was a calm person, he worked as a programmer, he valued tranquility, comfort, and for him the ideal of a good evening was to sit at home, play board games, go to a café once a week or two and get out somewhere. For a partner, the ideal of good leisure was to go somewhere every evening, to lead a life every evening. And in principle, he was not ready to change. And in every possible way he blamed Mikhail in this situation, that he was not like everyone else.

If you say that such a case is rare, then I would say that every second request from couples, including married couples, may look like both partners are trying to change each other or one partner makes such attempts in a relationship. This is a very big problem, because it is difficult for us to accept our partner as he is. 

Relationships fall apart because of something you didn't pay attention to on the first date

I often like to joke that Relationships fall apart because of something you didn't pay attention to on the first date. Why is this important? The fact is that people change. This is true. But people change if it was their choice to change. When someone tries to change or change us, and it contradicts our values or contradicts our essence, then, most likely, we should accept that we will have to defend our boundaries, no matter how much we love our partner.

So what if you are clearly aware that you are not accepted as you are, and it is difficult for you to live with it? 

First,, ask yourself if it is so important for you not to change. Yes, yes, perhaps the things that your partner asks you for are not a radical change in your habits, but do you need it? For example, if your partner wants you not to hang your shirts on a chair instead of in a closet. Sometimes, such a request may sound like "What is more important to you, our relationship or the habit of hanging shirts on a chair?" Sometimes people prefer to maintain their level of order to which they are accustomed, even if it creates tension in the relationship.

If you realize that the changes that your partner demands from you are unacceptable to you, ask yourself why this is important to you, why these aspects of your personality are really valuable to you. And here, too, do not rush with the answer, think about it. 

For example, if your partner requires you to be more active and social, and you prefer quiet evenings at home after work, think about why this is important to you. Perhaps your socializing work is important to you, and you need to take a break from it to save energy for work. It's important to understand that if these aspects of your personality and values become the subject of conflict, you may find it difficult to maintain that relationship.

So, there are two ways here. The first is to admit that your partnerships diverge at the level of values and end them. The second is to find higher values that will unite you. For example, I had a couple where one guy was rooting for Milan and the other for Barcelona, and this became a problem that they solved in therapy by finding more important values.

1. Once you've realized that your partner is trying to change you, set clear boundaries. Not just "I won't", such positions are of the childish type. Give arguments that are important to you. For example, "if I change, I will earn less" or "these changes will affect my personality in such and such a way." 
2. Use prudence in communication. First, present the facts. For example, "you want to change the way I clean the house, but the facts say it doesn't make the house cleaner." Express your feelings: "I love and appreciate you, but I'm not ready to change my habits in this matter." Show your partner the benefits of your approach. For example, "Trying to change me in this way can lead to frequent conflicts that we both want to avoid. Let's find a compromise together."
3. Ask your partner questions about why this is important to them. Often, having found out what is behind the request, you can understand the true motives. For example, "you don't like me playing computer games. Why is it so important to you?"
4. This will help to move from confrontation to dialogue and the search for a solution. Offer compromises or alternatives. Often, when your partner understands your feelings and arguments, they are willing to seek an agreement with you.
5. If your partner is still not ready to look for compromises and continues to demand changes that are unacceptable to you, look for support. Contact a psychologist or friends to get an objective opinion and help in resolving the conflict. 
6. If you decide to stay in a relationship where you have to change, make sure that your partner is also willing to meet you halfway and compensate for the change in other ways. This is a complex situation that requires mutual understanding and a willingness to look for solutions that satisfy both parties.

So, once you've set boundaries and reached agreements, it's important to put them in writing so that they become the new traditions of your couple. If your partner begins to violate these agreements, remind them calmly and confidently. It is important to understand that emotions are always present in personal relationships, and sometimes we can forget about agreements. This does not make your partner a bad person; This makes him a person who sometimes forgets.

Take care of your psychological well-being. 

If your partner insists on changes that are toxic to you and affect your health, it's important to pay attention. This can lead to the development of depression or anxiety disorders. Relationships are an important part of our lives, and it's important to take care of yourself.

You should not believe the phrase "love me the way I am", because we are all constantly changing. Sometimes, the changes your partner requires can be the result of their growth and changes. It is important to defend your position and explain to your partner why you have become the way you are now. Sometimes one conversation can solve many misunderstandings.

If your relationship is becoming toxic due to constant attempts at change on your part, make sure you maintain your boundaries. This is important for your self-esteem and motivation to work on the relationship. Defending one's personality in a relationship contributes to the preservation of healthy and strong ties. I wish you peace, success and strong relationships where you can be yourself.