How can you build a relationship with parents who don't share your views on life and politics?

“Recently, relations with my parents have become strained due to differences in views on politics (they support Putin, the war in Ukraine), as well as on life in general. We often argue and cannot find a common language. This begins to negatively affect my emotional state and general mood. The situation is worsened by the fact that I am in exile and cannot come home. I feel that my mother and I, and especially my father, are moving away from each other and becoming strangers. How can I reconnect with my parents and make our relationship more harmonious?" 

Sergey, 35, Vilnius (originally from Moscow, Russia)

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Comment by Psychologist A.

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To start with, I'll try to analyze what's happening with our parents these days.

To a large extent, the people around us shape our worldview. To confirm that you're real, you need someone else to think the same way you do. This is the effect of conformity—the conviction that you are right. We automatically select information that confirms our opinion and our point of view. We gravitate toward people who agree with us. And we either ignore or distance ourselves from people who think differently. If we present some statistical data, suggest analyzing the facts, thinking a little more broadly, and weighing the options, then people may come to agree with a different point of view.

Since the dawn of humanity, there has been intolerance toward what is foreign and new. We often divide the world into “us” and “them” to make things clearer and safer. We feel more comfortable with our own kind than with strangers. We love what we’re familiar with. Grandparents will look for their own kind among other grandparents. Moms and dads are among the people of the generation with whom they had life experience. Children are accordingly guided by their peers. People determine who is “one of us” and who is “an outsider” not within the family, but on their own level. We perceive the world based on where we grew up and the experiences we’ve had, as well as how well and quickly we can process large amounts of information.

Our parents grew up with different sources of information. For some of them, what’s printed in newspapers and what’s said on the radio and TV still seems reliable and accurate. It’s very difficult to change their minds because they’re being manipulated by professionals.

If someone tells them that they have lived—and continue to live—incorrectly, or that they think incorrectly, it’s psychologically difficult for them to accept this and decide to change. Changing one’s perspective should happen only at one’s own pace. Nothing should be imposed in a directive manner, since an authoritative approach creates tension and triggers resistance. The older generation needs time to reflect and engage in critical thinking.

In a stressful situation, when a person feels unwell and afraid, they descend to the lowest level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

All he cares about is blood, food, and safety. In situations like this, people don’t usually think about higher matters. You have to survive. And that makes it easy to fall prey to a manipulator. He’ll tell you how to do everything right.

The higher up you are in Maslow's hierarchy, the more willing you are to listen to and consider the possibility of a different point of view, and to question what's being presented on TV.

We all change over time. But parents’ worldviews don’t change at the same pace as those of the younger generation. Psychological maturity plays a key role in this conflict. The ability to see oneself objectively, adapt to different circumstances, analyze situations, keep one’s emotions in check, remain silent, yield, understand, and listen to others—that is what maturity is all about. The people closest to us know our vulnerabilities. As a rule, they don't mean to hurt us, but that's what they're best at.

 We would like our parents to understand us, support us, agree with our views and opinions, keep up with the times, and change just as we do. And the longer we live, the older they get, and their minds struggle to adapt to change.

 People tend to be much more tactful when interacting with those who aren’t close to them. At home, we allow ourselves to do more than is necessary to maintain good relationships. Children don’t want to grow up in their relationships with their parents. You may run a company, command respect, and have a good reputation at work, but when you walk into your mother’s home, a single word or glance from her can transport you back to childhood. It’s important to learn not to react to your parents’ judgments and criticism. If you’re an adult, be forgiving of their mistakes and their worldview. They can’t help it. If you still take offense and get hurt, then you’re in the same conflict zone as you were in childhood.

I think your parents are experiencing anxiety, fear, and anger. And that’s a normal reaction to abnormal events. Perhaps the reason for their anxiety lies in past experiences. Talk to them about their past and the past of previous generations. Examine your family history and try to understand: What did they face? What did they have to go through? What helped your ancestors survive? Most likely, these strategies are helping them survive now and influencing the choices they make. Some people leave; others hide, cut off all contact, and try to preserve themselves. Some identify with the aggressor because he is strong and aligning with him offers a chance to save their own lives and those of their descendants. A family is a system designed to ensure its own continuation. That is why every family remembers what helped its ancestors survive. This is brought to the fore when times of crisis arise. These strategies can be a powerful resource, or they may be unacceptable, as times change.

It seems to me that Parents need to be reassured. You need patience and tact. Don't provoke a confrontation. If you resist, get upset, get angry, or show resentment, it will all come to a head. You'll collide like two dump trucks.

Strategically, you need to realize that you’re an adult and shouldn’t give in to provocation. You understand that this is their problem, not your fault. The one who put a gun to your temple is always to blame, not the one who obeyed the aggressor. Behind all their words lies a desire to protect and safeguard you, to make sure you love them.

 It’s important to understand that there are things no crisis can take away from us. These are our values, our identities, and our self-respect. We need to accept our limitations. We are not omnipotent. We need to hold on until the dust settles and maintain meaningful connections.

Try to cause as little damage as possible. You don't have to discuss topics where you disagree. Try to come to an agreement on this. You can take a temporary break or minimize contact.