Does the ideal gay man have to be masculine? Who made up these rules, and why do we follow them? (Gay men from New York answer)

In the latest episode of the YouTube show “Gay Chat,” Russian-speaking immigrants in New York discussed why there is such intense pressure around appearance within the gay community. Host Oleg and his guests Roma and Zhenya (Eugene) spoke candidly about lookism, body standardization, filtering on dating apps, and racial preferences.

Hell’s Kitchen Syndrome: Competition, Gyms, and “Feeling Like Everyone Looks at You Like You’re a Piece of Shit”

Нью-Йорк, и особенно гей-район Hell’s Kitchen на Манхэттене, диктует повышенные требования к внешнему виду. Высокая конкуренция заставляет участников сообщества постоянно поддерживать формальную привлекательность. Спортзалы в этом районе на 99% состоят из геев, а посещение тренажерных залов и бассейнов превращается в регулярный обязательный ритуал.

At the same time, the social atmosphere in local gay bars is often perceived as toxic: patrons look down on those around them, making it easy to feel like “Snow White among the dwarfs” or to encounter cold disdain.

Beauty Policing and Femininity: What Can Get You Rejected on Apps

The discussion revealed that even the slightest deviation from traditional standards of masculinity can lead to rejection within the community. The participants shared personal stories about app conversations that abruptly ended over mundane details:

• Painted nails: One of the guests, Zhenya, described how a potential date canceled their meetup immediately after seeing his painted nails in a photo.
• Body Hair and Laser Hair Removal: Trying to take a break from laser hair removal and let their body hair grow out led to rejection with the explanation, “I’m attracted to more masculine guys.”

Such expectations trigger participants, as trying to live up to conflicting ideals proves exhausting.

Skin Color and Height: Where Preference Ends and Fetishization Begins

The discussion of partner selection criteria revealed polarized views on skin color and height:

• Some participants prefer partners who match their own type—tall and fair-skinned.
• Others deliberately choose the opposite—dark-skinned or Asian men, or men of shorter stature.

According to the participants, recurring patterns of racial preference raise questions about the line between personal taste and fetishization.

Friendship, Professional Jealousy, and Isolation in Relationships

The participants also touched on the difficulty of forming friendships after emigrating:

• Work and Jealousy: Participants noted that working with gay men can be accompanied by jealousy and attempts at retaliation when romantic advances are rejected.
• Couples' Isolation: Couples often isolate themselves from the community out of fear of infidelity and outside interference.
• The Need for Community: Despite the existing problems, the speakers emphasize the need for open dialogue and overcoming isolation.

Gay lookism — is bias, prejudice, and discrimination within the gay community based on judgments of a person’s appearance, body shape, style, and conformity to certain beauty standards. Communication and dating on apps can end instantly over any deviation from the expected image. For example, one participant in the conversation was rejected because his nails were painted in a photo, and another time because his body hair was growing back after laser hair removal, as the person he was talking to was looking for a “more masculine” guy.

Body Worship and an Obsession with Gyms: In neighborhoods like Hell’s Kitchen, gyms are frequented mostly by gay men, and staying in perfect shape becomes an almost compulsory ritual for gaining attention and social status.

Dismissiveness and Hierarchy in Venues: In gay bars, people’s physical characteristics (height, body type, skin color) are constantly scrutinized. Failing to conform to the generally accepted ideal often leads to cold and condescending treatment, with people “looking at you like you’re shit.”

The Trap of Contradictory Standards: Gay men find themselves trapped by conflicting aesthetic demands—from the ideal of a perfectly smooth, laser-treated body to the pressure to look as masculine and rugged as possible. Trying to conform to these standards causes severe stress and emotional burnout.