Our first serious relationship often becomes not only a source of passion but also a lesson in survival. For me, this experience happened when I was 19, and it was so transformative that it may well have been because of that suffering that I chose the path of psychotherapy.
The Illusion of the Ideal vs. Harsh Reality
My relationship with Evgeny began like a “scene from a gay TV series”: mutual attraction on Tinder, romantic fantasies about spending Christmas together in a country cottage, and that long-awaited feeling of “being in love.” However, behind the facade of attractiveness lay a number of critical problems, which were "red flags".
Major Alarms
Looking back from the perspective of a psychotherapist, I’d like to point out a few signs that the relationship was unhealthy:
Hidden Sexual Orientation (Closetedness) in Adulthood. My partner was 34 years old, but he kept his life a secret even from his roommate, which made it impossible to live together normally and be open with each other.
Lack of emotional support. Instead of taking my side in a conflict situation (for example, after an incident at the clinic), Evgeny would either take the position of an outside observer or criticize me.
Devaluation and Criticism. Instead of supporting me in my endeavors (my first steps on YouTube), he focused only on the negative, which killed my motivation.
Emotional coldness and "marble-like" detachment. When he was sober, Evgeny was like a “cold Greek statue”—he showed no initiative when it came to physical intimacy or sex, which was agonizing for me, as someone with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style.
Financial immaturity. The final blow came with the news that Evgeny was paying off a huge loan he had taken out to maintain his standard of living in his previous relationships.
A Turning Point and a Breakup
I admit that I ignored these signs for a long time, until the pain became unbearable. Realizing that my partner wasn’t willing to fight for our relationship—even while we were talking about breaking up—was a sobering moment: "If I stay, I won't achieve any of my goals in life.".
Life After: Three Years of Solitude as a Path to Self-Discovery
After a difficult breakup and a period of endless tears, an important phase followed— Three years of conscious solitude. I would like to emphasize that this period is necessary in order to:
- Learn to be self-reliant and independent.
- Get to know yourself and your values without jumping right into a new relationship.
- I've turned that pain into a valuable lesson that now helps me in my work with clients.
Today, I’m in a healthy relationship built on trust and open communication. My story is a reminder that A breakup isn't a loss, and sometimes the much-needed opportunity to finally connect with oneself and chart a course toward future happiness.
✦ This article is published as written by the author. The opinions, assessments, and conclusions expressed in the text are those of the author and may not reflect the position of the Doberman.media editorial board. The editorial board is not responsible for the author’s interpretations, statements, or conclusions.
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