Why It's Hard for Immigrants to Accept Reality: 5 Steps to a New Life

As an immigrant psychologist, I often work with “our people” myself. While newly arrived immigrants most often face challenges related to adapting to and accepting their new life, men who have been here for a year or even two in emigration face entirely different problems. And sometimes, these problems are very serious. Let's take a closer look.

Let me start by saying that a psychologist is someone people turn to when they have problems. Perhaps most of you will never face the kinds of problems I’m about to describe, but for those who seek help, these problems are quite common.

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Burnout in Exile

 The moving process itself—and for some, even the events leading up to the move—can be quite stressful for a person. A healthy person’s psyche typically responds to stress by mobilizing. And despite the difficulties of moving, dealing with paperwork, and initial integration, most people manage to cope. But the nature of stress is such that mobilization is always followed by burnout or simply a loss of energy—and that’s when all the psychological problems arise. These can include problems specific to migration—such as culture shock, coming to terms with reality, and difficulties adapting—or they can simply be old problems resurfacing. Those who were prone to alcoholism are at risk; people who suffer from panic attacks may experience them again, and so on. These difficulties are linked to a problem specific to this wave of migration—the inability to accept this new reality.

Accept the reality of emigration

Many who went abroad thought it would be temporary and that things would soon settle down. As a result, they “gave themselves a year or two,” but nothing happened after that. But the very hope that “something will happen” soon can be a major factor in burnout. This is an existential problem—it’s hard for us to accept a reality without certainty, and our minds “cling” to any way of controlling the world. That’s why people who think about returning under certain conditions read a lot of analysts at various levels, look for signs, and, in fact, don’t live where their bodies are. As soon as they return to reality, frustration sets in. Frustration is understood as a mental state in which one is unable to achieve something for a long time. And frustration itself can lead to depression or burnout. What should you do? Accept reality. You’re living in another country, and there’s no set timeframe for how long you’ll stay. Therefore, the best strategy is to unpack your bags and finally settle into your new life.

Don't Have False Hopes About Emigration

Most likely, if the situation in our home country changes, it will be unpredictable. Drivers know that fuel consumption is higher in the city than on a straight, flat road. It’s roughly the same with our psyche. Our psyche thrives on calm and the presence of clear goals and a direction for growth. My favorite metaphor: Say goodbye to your homeland, and if things turn out differently, let it be a new chapter—after all, you want to live in a new country. This will help you stop fretting. Here’s a dialogue:

"But to accept is to give up, isn't it?"

– To accept is to give yourself the opportunity to live and have strength. Is there any effectiveness in the fact that you are now sitting and bringing yourself to depression? Or can you preserve your health, and when can you be useful to the country?

– Health is important.  And what to do to accept?

– Subscribe to the news of your host country, make friends not only from Belarus, buy indoor plants, etc.

- I definitely want to look for a dacha this year, at least for rent.

"Good step!"

Setting Goals

The key problem here is that people who’ve had to leave everything behind and move to a new place are afraid to make plans. And the lack of plans in itself worsens their quality of life—no savings, difficulties in setting up a home, and if they treat their job as just a temporary gig, they’re unlikely to succeed there. Having plans allows them to maintain at least some control over their lives. Here, I very often come across the idea that “everything will turn out badly, so why bother planning?” This is a cognitive distortion, and it has a name—black-and-white thinking. Here’s an example of a conversation:

- Ivan, what a career, this is happening here.

"What's going on?"

…the client lists all the news stories from the past few weeks

– and what of these prevents you from building a career in IT?

"Well, what if I build and...

"What?"

"I don't know.

– And if you don't know, then is there any point in worrying about it?

The customer laughed.

How do you start making plans? List all the areas of your life where you’d like to set goals, and write down what you’d like to achieve. For example, in the area of health—see a doctor; in your career—get a promotion; in finances—start or continue saving for retirement, and so on. Next, for each goal, write down all the steps, starting with the smallest ones. And take one step. Don’t be afraid—they don’t bite. Even in situations like these, it’s important to show yourself that there’s a lot you can control. Making plans is the key to preventing burnout.

Social Circle in Exile

A year after moving, many begin to realize that they have no social circle—and even if they do, it consists of colleagues or people with whom they share nothing in common besides politics and interests. Hence, the key advice for migrants is: build your own network. This isn’t betrayal—it’s self-preservation.

In the early stages of my consulting work, I made mistakes. I advised people to seek out “like-minded individuals” and, in doing so, expand their social circle. Perhaps it’s best to give a real-life example here:

"How is your meeting?" Did it help you?

– No, it only got worse.

"Can you explain?"

"We got together and cried together about politics, lost time and difficulties in migration. I felt so sad.  On the one hand, it's easier that I'm not the only one, but it also leads to despair.

– And what do you have in common with these people?

– Language.

"Would you talk to them if language wasn't an obstacle?" 

– No, I'm interested in talking about ...

– What do you think will be your therapy?

– To learn the language and look for like-minded people?

"Try it.

Such examples are not isolated. The fact is that integration is an important part of depression prevention. On the one hand, it is also an expansion of the circle of communication. One of my clients has friends with whom they are united by sports. They talk about sports, about proper nutrition. And he is interested. He once said: "It's great to talk about something outside of politics sometimes, like I did in 2019."

On the other hand, integration also means success in other areas. For example, we worked with one client through a coaching program to help him improve his language skills. For him, the language was the key that helped him thrive in his profession and integrate more successfully. So when choosing between a psychologist and a language tutor, it’s worth considering: won’t you end up discussing the language with the psychologist anyway?

We miss home while living abroad

Over the course of a year or more, we start to miss our friends, family, and loved ones. And here, there are two ways to look at it: you can think that, thanks to your move abroad, your loved ones haven’t faced any problems, or, on the other hand, you can acknowledge that you have every right to feel sad about it. After all, communication—even via video—can’t replace a hug from your mom. But it’s important to remember the values or goals that brought you to where you are now. I even suggest this exercise to some clients: write down what values or goals they would have missed out on if they hadn’t moved, and post it in a prominent place. It helps, even in moments when you’re feeling really down and don’t have the strength to cope with the sadness.

Family… in Exile

Another problem is that migration is a major upheaval for a relationship with a partner. We react differently to change, and it brings to light problems that we might have simply ignored back home. For example, when moving, partners have different abilities to adapt. One might easily make new friends, find a job, and get to know the neighbors. For the other, their partner remains their only source of social interaction and support. This situation often frustrates the first partner, and they begin to argue. It might sound something like this: “He can’t even make a doctor’s appointment on his own, and I’m acting like his mom. But I want to be his wife.” Conflicts like these make life difficult and can lead to a breakup. It’s important for both partners to accept each other’s pace of adaptation. And if your partner asks you to make a doctor’s appointment, the best way to help is to help them make the appointment themselves, rather than making it for them. This will help your partner integrate better into society and prevent future conflicts.

As we can see, even after some time has passed, there are still psychological challenges in the migration process—but they can be overcome. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, just take a moment to think: what’s making it hard for you to adjust? It’s okay to feel a little down, but don’t dwell on it for too long—after all, you’re really going through a tough time. But you need to take care of yourself no matter what: whether you’re planning to return with your strength fully restored or to build a new life in a new place. Either way, start by taking care of yourself.