“I came out out of carelessness, out of stupidity”: Personal experiences of men who came out to their loved ones

In our magazine Doberman.media Out podcast "What Should You Do If Your Child Says, 'Dad, I'm Gay'?". In it, a psychologist discusses how to build trust between parents and children, stop being afraid of the truth, and support loved ones during the most difficult times. This podcast will be helpful not only to parents but also to their children.

To supplement the podcast with real-life stories, we reached out to our friends from the Telegram channel "Little Ones in Bed". The channel's subscribers shared their stories about how they came out to their loved ones and took part in a survey.

Family Reactions to Disclosing One's Sexual Orientation: Survey Results

During an anonymous survey on a Telegram channel "Little Ones in Bed", in which 355 men participated, the following findings were obtained regarding families' reactions to being told about their sexual orientation:

• Полное принятие и поддержка: 9% опрошенных сообщили, что их семья полностью приняла и поддержала их.
• Шок, но со временем пришло принятие: 12% респондентов отметили, что их семья сначала испытала шок, но со временем пришла к принятию.
• Отрицание или попытки «исправить»: 8% участников опроса столкнулись с отрицанием или попытками «исправить» их ориентацию, которые продолжаются до сих пор.
• Have not told their families and do not plan to: The majority of respondents, 59%, have not told their families about their sexual orientation and do not plan to do so.
• Не рассказали семье, но хотят это сделать: 12% респондентов пока не поделились своей ориентацией с семьей, но выразили желание сделать это в будущем.

We selected real stories from subscribers to our Telegram channel who shared their experiences in response to a poll about, how they came out to their loved ones and relatives about their sexual orientation.

Yuri:
I confessed out of carelessness, out of stupidity—otherwise, they would have simply cornered me. I was young, foolish, and didn’t think things through. It happened on October 3, 2000. Back then, they wanted to send me to a psychiatric hospital, but it didn’t work out. I became an enemy to my parents, relatives, and some of my friends. Now, if I had to go through that again, I would never confess. I’d just tell everyone to get lost.

Vladimir:
When I was 26, I came out to my mom. My dad had left a long time ago. My older sister, of course, already knew. Nothing changed in the family. Even my brother-in-law said, “It’s your life.”

Wild:
I came out a long time ago. I'm living a peaceful life. My mom and brother are fine with it. I don't keep in touch with my relatives.

Martin Parthenos:
First of all, I don't see the point in talking about it. Second, no one has ever asked me about marriage—it's as if they aren't interested in the topic at all. 😅 She has no intention of helping out with the kids (that is, my mom’s grandchildren), which she told me straight out. 🤣 So, in a way, everyone’s happy.

Lok:
When I was 20, I told them everything. All they said was, “Just be happy!” I love my parents. A year later, I told my friends. Everyone said, “Come on, man, you’re a normal guy—the rest is your business.” And we’re still friends to this day.

Bootlegger:
After breaking up with a guy I was madly in love with, I got drunk and came out to my mom while I was drunk. She took it in stride. She said, “You’re still my son.” Now that I’ve been dating a new guy (for almost a year now), she always asks how he’s doing and where we’ve been. I also told my niece about my sexual orientation in a similar situation. As for my sister and brother-in-law, they said, “The main thing is that you’re happy.” Even though my brother-in-law is a staunchly straight guy.

Marat:
I don't let anyone into my world, and everyone accepts that as normal. If I want to share something, I will; the rest is none of their business.

Alec Sandr:
I haven't said anything, and I don't plan to for now. When I'm in a serious, long-term relationship—that's when I'll open up, if someone asks. And if not, then I don't care.

GAY The Promised One (Telegram channel):
In my opinion, the main thing parents fear is that they won’t become grandparents, that their family line won’t continue. If they already have grandchildren from other children, it may be easier for them to accept their children’s homosexuality. But, of course, this varies from person to person and depends on the specific parents.

Andrei:
Only my brother and his wife know. I'm not ready to tell my parents yet, although I think my mom might have an inkling.

Alex:
I chose the last option, though I'm not sure. When I was 17, I told my mom I'd fallen in love with a guy. She was taken aback, of course, but she took it in stride—she was fine with it. No one else in my family knows.

In general, I find it very sad that this issue is still relevant today. Some people believe in Grandfather Frost, some in Joulupukki, and some in Santa. Some people love pork kebabs, while others don’t eat pork at all. Some people like romantic dramas, while others prefer science fiction, horror, or mysteries… All of this—except for sexual orientation—is socially and culturally determined, but no one sees the point in or has any desire to change their habits and views.

So, stop meddling in other people’s personal lives with your demands—is that really so hard to understand? Of course, the real issue is this: if religion or politics were to dictate what goes on in an individual’s bedroom, they’d be able to hold onto their electorate and their flock (and their money). Otherwise, the whole thing would have collapsed long ago. ☝️

Mavr:
Some of my family members know—mostly my sisters and their husbands or boyfriends. They asked me about it themselves, and they’re all okay with my being gay. My brother and the older generation don’t ask, but I think they understand everything. They often ask how my boyfriend is doing, send him their regards, and sometimes give him gifts and treats.

Egor Scrooge:
My family is my best friend. He reacted like a Spaniard: like, a son comes to his mom and tells her he’s gay, and she says, “Fine, I’m off to play golf” 🏌️. When I told my best friend that I’m gay, he looked at me, said, “Oh well,” and went to work. Today I called him and thanked him for being there for me.

Vlad Devil:
By nature, I’m a very private person, so so far I’ve only told a friend I’ve known for 11 years. And even that was a difficult conversation for me. She didn’t care; she said she accepts me just the way I am. I haven’t told my family anything. My mom probably suspects something—she used to ask me questions about getting married and things like that. I always replied that I’d build my career first, and then, maybe, I’d think about other things. We agreed that I’d focus on myself and my career first… and then I’d think about what comes next.

We thank the Telegram group "Crumbs in Bed" for their help in conducting the survey. Link to the group — here. Please note that this Telegram group is intended for gay men and men who have sex with men.

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