What should you do if your child says, “Dad, I’m gay”?

The issues faced by LGBT people are not just their personal problems. LGBT people live with their parents, interact with them, and have a social circle and friends. And when we talk about the socialization of any person, regardless of their sexual orientation, it’s important to take their social circle into account. Today, let’s talk about how parents can come to terms with and accept the fact that their child—whether a daughter or a son—is part of the LGBT community.

Coming out — is the process by which a person discloses their sexual orientation or gender identity to others. This step can be both liberating and intimidating, so it’s important to be aware of all possible consequences and take steps to ensure your own safety and comfort.

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I’ll start with a story. A 36-year-old client came to me. He told his mother that he had been hiding his sexual orientation for a long time. What’s more, he had even been putting on a show: he’d bring girls home to meet his parents and tell them they were going to start a family. He was creating the illusion of a typical heterosexual couple. At 36, he finally found the courage to come out. His mother’s reaction wasn’t hostile. She was cold, but accepting. The only thing his mother asked was that he not tell his grandmother about it, because his grandmother most likely wasn’t ready for that kind of news.

Let's take a closer look at why parents might have a strong reaction to this kind of information and why it's hard for them to respond the way they'd like to.

First of all, it's a shock.

Imagine that over the course of their child’s 36 years of life, the parents have formed a certain opinion of him. Thirty-six years is quite a long time, and learning something new about someone you’ve known for so many years is, in itself, a shocking experience.

Let’s imagine that parents didn’t just have beliefs about their child—they built their entire worldview based on those beliefs. And then they learn something that changes their perceptions. This will always be a shock—one that can be jarring. And by “shock,” I don’t mean something good or bad. The parents may have perfectly good intentions toward the child, but your revelation changes their world.

Second, it's fear for the child's future.

Parents grew up in a society where success is very often associated with family, children, and a stable job. A person’s success is measured through this lens: whether they have a family, whether they have children, and so on. Parents may have no other reason to believe that their child will be okay outside of a traditional heterosexual family.

Third, many parents, even if they are well-meaning, lack the experience to accept a different family model.

Not necessarily a classic model where there is a man, a woman, a child. This is very often associated not even with sensory experience, but in principle with the lack of experience. Imagine if a person lives in a city or area where there are no open LGBT families, and it is not customary to talk about it out loud. He simply has no experience.

Here we are talking about shock: when a person encounters new information, he simply does not know how to deal with it. This is very common, but it is not due to the fact that parents are bad, but to the fact that they simply do not have such experience.

At first glance, it seems to us that parents behave infantile or repulsive. But you need to accept and understand your parents, because some attitudes have turned upside down in their perception of the world. Sometimes parents react with denial: they say that this is temporary, a matter of youth, and the child will change his mind.

I had an example of a girl whose mother said: "We will cure you" and even looked for a psychologist. By the way, they turned to me, thinking that I could "help" my daughter. But it is important to understand that parents are in a state of shock.

It is important to help parents understand that their main value – to raise a good, worthy person – has nothing to do with the sexual orientation of the child. Sexual orientation and how good a person is do not correlate in any way.

We know that a person's sexual orientation is often driven by biological and psychological factors over which they have no control. So if parents feel guilty, it's important to help them realize that it's not their fault.

It is important to switch the attention of parents to other things:

• What kind of work does the child have?
• How kind is he?
• How successful is he in life?

Sexual orientation does not affect these aspects. It does not make parents bad parents if their child has come out to them. What is far more important is that the child trusts their parents and is willing to talk to them.

This is good news: an atmosphere of trust is developing within the family, where a child can share what’s going on in their life. Parents are not responsible for their child’s sexual orientation. It’s biology—you can’t control the weather or your child’s height.

Parents' initial reaction is one of shock.

This may be followed by denial and an attempt to fit the new information into old mental frameworks. If no such frameworks exist, the information will be rejected.

The next stage is dialogue.

If you’ve come out to your parents, it’s important to answer their questions. Understand that parents have their own stereotypes. Unfortunately, there are quite a few of them in society. For example, many parents think that a child who is gay will look different or that he or she is at higher risk of contracting HIV.

Or he might run into problems at work because of this, and so on. It’s important to discuss all of the parents’ stereotypes during the dialogue. The challenge for a child who has decided to come clean with their parents is, oddly enough, to accept all of their parents’ stereotypes and understand that they didn’t arise because the parents are bad or ill-mannered.

If we can answer all of the parents’ questions during the dialogue, it will be very helpful. Parents are worried about their child’s future, but it’s important to show them that the criteria for success have changed in today’s world. Today, what matters are health, a stable job, and inner well-being—not outdated social norms.

An important question may arise: who should be told, and who shouldn’t. If the family isn’t a nuclear family (just mom and dad), this could include grandparents and other relatives. I would suggest using your best judgment. Does Grandma need to know this information? If you believe she is mature and responsible enough to handle information about her grandson or granddaughter, then it’s possible.

However, it’s often enough for Grandma to know that you love her, care for her, and are a good person. After all, the stereotypes of the generation that raised our parents are quite entrenched. It’s important to act with discretion, even if, in the heat of the moment, you want everyone close to you to accept you.

Don't rush to tell everyone. Ask yourself: Why am I doing this? Weigh the pros and cons.

Once you’ve discussed your fears with your parents, it’s important to understand that old resentments may resurface—ones not directly related to sexual orientation or mutual rejection. For example, your parents may be upset that you kept a significant part of your life hidden from them or that they may not have fostered an atmosphere of trust. This can lead to deeper conflicts than whether or not they accept your orientation.

It's important to discuss any underlying issues and unresolved problems within the family. These conversations can be very helpful, especially if you and your parents already have a trusting relationship.

What are the benefits in this situation? First, both the parents and the child avoid long-term psychological trauma. If a child can be themselves, they don’t have to pretend or play a role. This promotes emotional well-being and protects against depression.

What could be more valuable to parents than an emotionally healthy child? A life free from anxiety and lived in the present helps create an atmosphere of trust within the family. If the process of accepting a child’s sexual orientation goes smoothly, it only strengthens family bonds.

Sometimes there are conflicts of values. For example, parents may hold religious beliefs that conflict with accepting a child. In such cases, it is important to balance the family’s values with those of their faith.

For example, there are branches of Christianity that accept LGBT people. It is important for parents to decide what matters more to them: their child’s sexual orientation or their good relationship with their child.

Sometimes parents choose values based on their faith, and that, too, is a valid option. But in that case, it’s important to ask yourself honestly how those values can coexist with accepting your child.

For example, if you’re part of a community where it’s not customary to talk about this, it’s worth considering: Do you need to open up? Maybe it’s not necessary at all.

Parents may need additional support. This could include books, support groups, counselors, or conversations with other parents.

I prefer a different approach in this regard. If you can find people online who also have gay children, that’s great, because you can learn from their experiences. They can share their experiences with you, and it will make things easier for you. Among the books, I especially recommend those by May Pameli and Hat Robert Hilton, which describe in detail the process of accepting LGBT children.

By the way, I actually liked this book. It's mostly about teenagers and young adults. I also like this book This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. It's also available in Russian. To be honest, I just skimmed through it, but judging by the reviews, it's very helpful for parents.

There are also a large number of podcasts and videos—including this one—that are worth listening to or watching.

The most important thing is that there be no conflict within your family—not only between you, but also between your values and reality. If your values conflict with reality, consider how important those values are to you.

If the well-being of a child is more important to you than any other beliefs, then just go ahead and ask yourself this question: To me, my child is more important than these values, which stand in the way of accepting him or her.

And one last thing: take as much time as you and your family members need to get used to this news. I’d also like to address the children here: please understand that your parents need time, too. Their world has changed a little, and they need to adjust to the new you.

Acceptance is a process, not a single conversation. That’s why you need to work on your relationship—through dialogue. I would suggest not an emotional dialogue where everyone accuses each other, but a patient and calm one. Write down all your concerns and discuss them.

If these concerns can be resolved, then resolve them. If you can’t find a solution, try consulting with experts or searching for information online. The fewer unspoken issues and fears you have, the stronger your relationship with your child will be.

It’s important to remember: you’ve raised a good person. You’ve raised someone who trusts you, and now your task is to work on your relationship with them. You’ll do great. I wish you all the best, good health, and I look forward to seeing you again on the podcasts!