Men in Exile: What Happens to Identity When Forced to Move to Another Country?

"Am I Russian or Belarusian, who am I now? A migrant? I don't like that word." – said one of the participants in my study "Psychological Problems of Migration". We conducted the study with the support of the Free Russian Foundation, for which we are grateful to them.

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I suggest you listen to a podcast on how men identify themselves and how an identity crisis occurs in migration. I would call it: "How to Preserve Yourself in a New Society."

For men, this question often becomes important, since male socialization occurs through the absorption of stereotypes. And, unfortunately or fortunately, we talk a lot about the fact that identity is lost in migration. Why does this happen? Because in migration, a man is literally forced to start his life from scratch. If migration is not related to professional or social adaptation, then this is only half the trouble. But if the move was forced due to security issues, then the situation becomes more complicated. A person has to start life anew.

Как показало мое исследование, около 60% мужчин переехали именно по соображениям безопасности. Это очень большая цифра. То есть эти люди не планировали уезжать и не ожидали, что им придется начинать всё с нуля.

What does male identity include? These are the social roles we perform in life: professions, family roles, cultural expectations. Now let's consider a man who emigrated for security reasons. First of all, this is a profession. A man often has to look for a new profession, plus adapt to a new language and new professional roles. And it is good if he manages to stay in his professional field, but if not, a new professional socialization begins.

As for the family role, I asked the question in in-depth interviews: have the social roles of men in the family changed after emigration? The answers were paradoxical. For some, migration had a positive impact: the man, having broken away from his usual environment, began to spend more time with children and family. One man said that he was good at migration because, being unemployed, he cared more about his children and rediscovered the joy of communicating with them. He admitted that the migration had a beneficial effect on his relationship with his children.

On the other hand, I have seen other examples. For example, a male IT specialist took on the role of breadwinner and began to work overtime to maintain the standard of living that he had in Moscow or Minsk. It was difficult for him, and he lost the role of father and husband, because he began to devote less time to his family. Even in the case of a successful relocation, when a person does not lose his job, his other roles may suffer. For example, when a man becomes the only source of income, he is in constant tension and tries to compensate for this by ignoring his other needs.

One interesting case was described by my colleague. She told of a girl who self-harmed herself to get her father's attention. This suggests that men in migration may lose their social role in the family. Therefore, it is important to invite men in migration to think about who they were in the family before emigration and who they became after.

How to measure it? There are specific indicators. For example, how involved you are in fatherhood: how much time you spend with your child, not how much candy you buy. If after emigration you began to spend less time with your child, you should pay attention to this loss of role. The same applies to interaction with your wife. A very interesting case was cited by my colleague, when a man, having started to earn more or became the sole breadwinner, faced changes in his family role.

A man begins to perceive his wife more as a sexual object, as a daughter or as a sister. As a result, he loses his social role as a husband. Unfortunately, I do not have exact figures, but my colleagues and I have come to the conclusion that the divorce rate among migrants is higher. This is because migration affects men and women differently, and they begin to perceive their social roles in the family differently.

The social role of the husband can also be lost for another reason: the socialization of men and women in society occurs at different rates. If you think stereotypically, a man goes to work and tries to make money. A woman, on the other hand, faces a lot of everyday problems. She searches for a kindergarten for children, finds the nearest shops, finds out where the market is, and solves other everyday issues. This is certainly difficult, and it is bad that these tasks fall mainly on women. But on the other hand, it is these problems that help women adapt to a new life faster – they begin to get to know people by solving problems. Men, as a rule, do not participate in this, and their adaptation is slower.

At some stage, the spouses may come to a strange conclusion: one of the partners has already adapted to a new life, and the other continues to "live in Minsk". It turns out that they seem to be in a long-distance relationship - one already lives, for example, in Lithuania or Poland, and the other is in the past, in Minsk. This imbalance can cause tension in the family.

For example, one woman constantly made an appointment for her husband to see doctors, interacted with government agencies and solved all household issues. On principle, he did not learn the language of the country where they moved, which became a big problem. The wife wanted to see next to her not only a support, but at least an independent person who could take care of himself. In family therapy, we came to the conclusion that the best solution for this couple was to send the husband to a foreign language course.

For men, understanding why they need to adapt plays a key role in maintaining identity. It can be difficult for us to let go of the old social roles that were in the previous country. For example, a man cannot take Lithuanian, Polish, Georgian, or Hebrew courses simply because he cannot accept the fact that he already lives in a new country. His social role is no longer "Belarusian" or "Ukrainian", but "migrant" – a migrant who is Belarusian by nationality, Russian, and so on.

Identity is the answer to the question: "Who are you?" But in migration, it becomes much more difficult to answer this question. It's important to understand that sometimes in migration, you can temporarily "postpone" this issue to focus on solving the most important problems. But if you ask yourself this question at the right time, when some of the problems have already been resolved, it can be a great support. For example, the answer: "Yes, now I am a migrant. Yes, I am a husband. Yes, I am a father. Yes, I have a certain social role" – helps to maintain self-respect. However, if you constantly ask yourself this question at the wrong time or look for the wrong answers, it can lead to psychological problems, such as depression.

Depression often occurs when reality does not meet our expectations. Therefore, it is important to realize what social roles you have assumed in migration, what difficulties you have faced, and not to be afraid to seek psychological help. Before going to a psychologist, it is worth finding a community of people who have gone through a similar experience. Talking to other migrants who have already gone through an identity crisis can help you find answers to the questions: "How did you deal with this crisis? How do you answer the question: who are you?"

Understanding that you are not alone in this situation can make it much easier to solve other, more global problems and help you move on with your life. Compare: when I say that I am a Belarusian, not living in Belarus, it does not give me anything. But if I say: "Yes, I am a migrant who lives in Lithuania," it helps me move on – to learn the language, solve housing issues, and so on.

Understanding who you are is not a philosophical question. This is a practical question that helps to solve pressing problems. Therefore, I wish you good luck in finding answers to the question: who are you? Remember that no matter how you answer this question now, it's important to continue to take care of yourself and love yourself.