Over the past month, I've been asking myself one uncomfortable question more and more often: What if I have a sex addiction?
It's not because I have sex every day. And it's not even because I have a lot of partners. It's something else that bothers me: just how much space sex has started to take up in my head.
Sometimes I’m walking down the street, looking at handsome men (and in Spain, that’s every other guy), and I realize that practically every one of them sparks a fantasy in me. With one, I want to kiss him. With another, I want to get down on my knees right away. And with a third, I want to go to the restroom at the nearest café and have sex there, without even knowing his name.
And the strangest thing is that I wasn't like that before.
In Russia, I could go months without sex. Yes, I wanted it. Yes, I masturbated. But it didn't turn into an obsessive thought that was constantly running in the back of my mind.
These days, a week without sex seems almost abnormal.
That's exactly what got me thinking: what has changed?
Maybe it's a matter of age?
Maybe it's because, after moving, I finally allowed myself to live openly?
Maybe I've just become more confident and started getting more attention from men?
Or is it really a matter of addiction?
The funny thing is, if you'd asked me a few years ago whether I wanted that much sex, I would have answered without hesitation, "Of course." Back then, it seemed to me that the problem was the lack of it.
There's a lot more sex these days. But along with it have come questions that didn't exist at all before.
Especially since sex affects the brain in much the same way as many other pleasures. Novelty, excitement, the anticipation of a date, and the attention of another person—all of these trigger the release of dopamine.
And the more often we receive this stimulus, the more strongly we may begin to seek it out.
I started reading articles about sex addiction and realized pretty quickly that it wasn't that straightforward.
Because a strong interest in sex alone does not make a person addicted.
For some people, wanting sex once a week is normal. For others, it’s every day. For still others, it’s several times a day.
People are all very different.
But there's one thing that keeps bringing me back to this question again and again.
It seems to me that I'm starting to want sex not less, but more.
It would be logical to assume the opposite. The more sex you have, the more relaxed you are about it.
But sometimes I notice the opposite effect.
It's as if the brain remembers the pleasure and starts demanding that it be repeated.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Sometimes it seems to me that my inner radar never takes a day off.
Whether I'm walking down the street, riding the train, or standing in line for coffee—I'm constantly noticing men.
And almost automatically, I start to imagine being intimate with them.
Not a relationship.
Not living together.
Sex, specifically.
Sometimes it seems completely natural. After all, I'm a man who loves men.
But sometimes I catch myself wondering: Is this even normal?
Especially when I realize just how different people are.
I know men for whom going weeks or even months without sex isn't a problem at all. They masturbate, go about their business, build their careers, travel, and don't feel like they're missing out on anything crucial.
I can't understand that right now… Because for me, masturbation has never been a complete substitute.
Yes, it relieves physical tension. But it doesn't fully satisfy that need.
And this raises yet another uncomfortable question.
If I really just want sex, why doesn't masturbation have the same effect?
Why is this enough for some people, but not for me?
Maybe it's because I'm looking for more than just an orgasm.
Maybe what I need is just the contact with another man.
His gaze.
His wish.
His attention.
Just the feeling that there's chemistry between us.
So does that mean I'm not looking for sex?
Or is it sex after all—but along with the whole range of emotions that come with it?
The more I think about it, the more confused I get.
Because the line between a high libido and addiction turns out to be much less clear-cut than it seems at first glance.
Perhaps sex addiction really does exist.
It's possible that some people do lose control over their behavior and start letting sex take up too much of their lives.
But for now, I'm not sure that's exactly what's happening.
Maybe, for the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to desire men as much as I've always wanted to.
And now I'm trying to figure out where the line between freedom and dependence lies.
Between a healthy desire and a compulsive need.
Between pleasure and trying to use sex to fill a void.
I don't have an answer yet.
But to be honest, sometimes it's not how much sex I'm having that scares me.
And then, I start craving so much sex.
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