❤️ Freedom before choice: how not to lose yourself while you are looking for love. An honest conversation about intermediate states in a relationship

In the lives of many gay men, there comes a time when acquaintances begin to overlap. It seems that one person appears, then another, sometimes two. And instead of having to urgently choose one person and cut off other ties, there is a feeling that maintaining contact with several people at the same time is comfortable and natural. Not as a strategy or a game, but as a way to live the current stage of life without haste and unnecessary pressure.

In my case, it almost always happens in the same way: as soon as you start communicating with one man, someone else appears in my life within a couple of weeks. And every time I catch myself thinking that it is calmer for me not to break off these ties, but to allow them to coexist — without haste and abrupt decisions.

In this format, an important sense of choice appears. When there are several men nearby, each of whom shows attention in his own way, it helps to understand yourself better. One gives a sense of care, another gives lightness, and the third gives bodily intimacy without expectations. For many, this is not about infidelity, not about moral compromises, and certainly not about labels. This is about a space where you can observe yourself, feel and not rush with decisions until it becomes clear with whom serious intimacy is really possible.

I notice that I feel more confident in such moments. Not because "I am chosen", but because I have time to listen to myself. I feel warm and comfortable with one man, easy and cheerful with another, and just good bodily with the third. And this clarifies a lot.

Separately, it is worth mentioning the so-called "candy-bouquet" period. This is a format of meetings in which there is sex - once or twice a week, sometimes a joint lunch or dinner, a walk, conversations about nothing and about important things. But at the same time, there is no agreement that this is a relationship. For many, this is precisely foreplay – a phase of recognition, where ease, lack of obligations and the right not to name things ahead of time are allowed.

For me now, such meetings are not relationships. It can be sex a couple of times a week, sometimes lunch or dinner, conversations about everyday things or about what is important to us personally. And in this format, I feel calm. I don't feel like I owe anyone anything, and that's what makes room for sincerity.

It is often at this stage that an internal conflict related to honesty arises. On the one hand, there is the value of openness, on the other hand, the lack of clear agreements. While no one calls what is happening a relationship, many prefer not to talk about the presence of other meetings. For some, this seems wrong, for others it is a way to protect themselves from previous experiences, when the choice was made too early and ended in a painful breakup. In my case, I thought for a long time why it was so important for me not to make a choice too early. And the honest answer turned out to be simple: in the past, I had stayed with one person more than once, abandoning others, and then that one person would also leave. Now it is important for me not to rush and not to lose myself in expectations.

It is also important that the attention of several partners at the same time can perform a supporting function. It returns the feeling of one's own attractiveness, significance, physical and emotional need. This is especially familiar to those who have experienced loneliness, emigration, breakup, or a long period of inner "invisibility." It's not necessarily about ego or self-assertion. Sometimes it's just a way to feel like you're okay again, that you're wanted, chosen, and noticed.

Many people face feelings of guilt or shame when they live outside the framework of classic monogamy. But experience shows that honesty with yourself and awareness of your desires help you accept these moments without pressure and judgment. For me, too, there is a personal experience in this – I don't feel guilty, I feel comfortable with the very thought that two men can court me, and I allow myself this feeling without self-flagellation.

Society, including within the LGBTQ+ community, often offers the only "right" scenario: make up your mind quickly, be monogamous, and talk everything out at once. But the real experience of many people turns out to be more complicated. Living through intermediate states where there are no final solutions may not be a weakness, but a form of awareness. This is the time when a person learns not to cling to the first person who showed interest, but to listen to himself and his feelings.

Such a stage does not mean the rejection of a serious relationship. On the contrary, for many, it becomes a transitional state, after which there is clarity: what they want, what forms of intimacy are suitable and which are not. This is an experience that allows you to approach future relationships more calmly, without illusions and haste, but with respect for yourself and for the other.

Honesty in this context is not just about words. This is a state in which a person understands what is happening to him and does not live in a constant feeling of guilt or shame. The opportunity to look at yourself from the outside, to admit your desires and fears, without rushing to make a choice, becomes an important part of growing up and emotional maturity for many. For me, this experience is about freedom and self-respect, about understanding what I want and what I can accept before taking a step towards a serious relationship.

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