Why Men Don't Talk About Sex

“Well, it just didn’t work out.” You often hear this brief and clear answer to that question. And as a curious person, I immediately wonder, “So what exactly didn’t work out?”

And right away, I want to say, “Do you realize that this is actually important and necessary—not just for sex, but for life itself?” And then immediately add, “I mean, forget about life—it’s for society! For democracy!”

And that's when Ostap got carried away.

Well, before I get carried away, let's figure out why this happened, why people aren't talking about it, and why it would be great if they did.

But before I begin, I’d like to clarify something. When I say “Talking about sex,” I don’t mean a list of people with whom a certain gentleman might have had sex. Or a brief “I fucked her/him/them.” I mean sincere conversations about experiences (what they liked and what they didn’t), about the anxieties related to this topic, about new desires, and so on. You know, those kinds of heart-to-heart talks?

And of course, I would never dare to claim that no one ever talks like that. I’m sure there are men who have these very heartfelt conversations. What’s more, I’ve even met some! And perhaps that’s you, dear reader. And for that, I shake your hand on behalf of all humanity. But still, I’ll venture to say—even without official statistics to back me up—that most men from post-Soviet countries don’t even come close to talking about this so openly.

So, why did it turn out that way, after all?

It's embarrassing when people can see it.

Let’s be honest—the topic I’m writing about here is, to put it mildly, a sensitive one. Not everyone can talk about it seriously and without shame. Few of us grew up in homes where we could speak freely even about puberty, let alone sex itself. Thanks to post-Soviet upbringing, where “sex didn’t exist,” and religious intimidation, we’ve raised so many well-behaved and diligent boys and girls! And it doesn’t matter that all this stigma surrounding sex is incredibly harmful to their health, safety, and well-being. But at least they’re not embarrassed in front of Lyudka, the neighbor! (I hope you caught that thick sarcasm.)

When people avoid talking about a certain topic for a long time and with great reluctance—and when they do talk about it, they blush and break out in a sweat—it’s obviously very difficult to feel comfortable. And it is precisely this shame, deeply ingrained in our souls, that prevents men from speaking freely on this topic.

By the way, this is far from the only negative effect of that very shame. There’s a lack of pleasure, lost erections, unsatisfied partners, and… And, to be honest, you could write books about the harm caused by shame when it comes to sex. Maybe one day I’ll do just that. But for now, I just want to point out that even if you’re not aware of it, chances are you feel shame in this area, too. Unfortunately, it’s a very common phenomenon.

They didn't teach us

Did you have sex education in school? We did, for example. We even had two whole lessons on the topic! One of them was a biology class, where we learned about pistils, stamens, and giggles. And the second was a class in a subject whose name I can’t even remember—the one where the boys would go off to shoot guns with the gym teacher, while the girls learned… well, something “girly.” For example, that you have to wear sexy robes so a man will always want you (Oh, how I wish this story were a joke, but it’s not. It’s the absolute truth).

In other words, sex education in all the schools we attended was practically nonexistent. Yes, and even now it’s at an extremely low level in Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Ukraine, Lithuania, Latvia… (the list goes on and on), especially when compared to developed countries like Sweden. And soon it might even go into the negative.

When it comes to education, just as with upbringing at home, the pattern is similar—if a topic isn’t treated as normal, it becomes shrouded in secrecy and shame. Because of this veil, it’s very difficult to start a conversation.

The guys won't get it

But the guys might really not get it. After all, just like you, they grew up in a society where it’s not at all acceptable to talk about this kind of thing. In fact, it’s not proper for men to talk about most things. You’re a man! Deal with it! Don’t cry! Be strong!

It truly breaks my heart to think of how many men have suffered because of these words and beliefs. Just look at the horrifying statistics on male suicide.

All right, but what if it’s not with the guys? What about talking to your significant others? It might be a little easier there, especially if your significant other is a woman. But even then, it’s far from always possible. After all, women grew up in the same society, with the same beliefs and taboos.

No one is saying anything, and I won't either

There is no example nearby that could show and tell how this can be done. And to start first – it's scary, embarrassing, suddenly they won't understand (see point 3). And your friend thinks the same thing. So it turns out to be a vicious circle. Everyone is silent.

It often happens that a man manages to open up among friends and comrades, but unfortunately, due to their own fears and, again, shame, they cannot maintain this conversation. They are frightened, joke, belittle. In short, they are not always able to give the understanding that is needed during such a delicate process. And again, the man closes up with the thought "him."

Oh! I re-read all these points myself and came to the conclusion that it is absolutely not surprising that there is so little talk about sex among men. And in general, I would now shrug my shoulders in incomprehension of how this miracle happened, if men could freely talk about this topic.

If you read it carefully, you will catch that each of these points is somehow related to toxic shame. And now it's really "That's how it is" that it has become a part of our life. But this does not mean at all that this should continue. It is too harmful for both men and women, and for cats and dogs, and even for democracy, prostitus. In a society burned by shame and fear, freedom cannot be born. Such a society is easily repressed. And in particular, this is why it is important to fight toxic shame and still find this courage in yourself and talk about sex, about feelings, and just about yourself.

And if you don't want to think about the public good, you can think about yourself. How much relief you can experience if you still decide to talk about the innermost. And how great it is if suddenly on your way you meet a person who will be able to understand you, accommodate you and even share his experience. Of course, it may happen that you will remain misunderstood. But don't despair! Know that this is not about you. This person is likely to be exposed to a lot of fear and shame in this topic. If there are no such people in your environment, it doesn't matter – you can always contact specialists too.

In addition to relief, you will also discover the opportunity to improve your sex life. Perhaps someone will share their experience with you and you will learn something new about sex besides what you see in (where, by the way, there is a lot of completely unrealistic sex). And perhaps you can finally tell your soul mate about what you don't like about sex and thereby change it for the better.

And no, this does not mean that you should now scream at every corner about what sexual pleasures you did last weekend. And you definitely don't have to share all the intimate details with your close friends. And even with your partner there is no need to have daily conversations on this topic.

With this article, I just wanted to normalize conversations about sex among men and make it clear what the advantages of this can be. You can resort to this when there is a need. You don't have to be ashamed of sex. It is important, necessary and useful to talk about it. And I'm certainly not under the illusion that everything is so simple – I read the article and ran to chat! It can really take some time, like any skill. But, in my opinion, this game is still worth the candle. And by the way, I haven't heard of people who have started talking about this topic and have become more unhappy.