“They know we’re good at this”: what gay men think about sex with “straight men” and why “straight men” have sex with men

In popular consciousness, sexual orientation seems like something immutable: if you sleep with men, you’re gay; if with women, you’re heterosexual. However, reality is much more complex and more “fluid.” A significant percentage of men who identify as “100 percent straight” have had same-sex experiences at least once in their lives, and for many it not becomes a reason to call themselves bisexual, MSM, or something else.

We explain how this contradiction between behavior and self-identification works.

Australian Broadcasting Corporation ABC as part of its project "I don't think I 'turned' anyone. I think they always wanted it; I was just the first," says one of the people in the video. In the participants' view, such men are often still looking and "just know that gay men are good at blowjobs." (“About This Can’t Be Asked”) decided to tackle one of the most taboo subjects and asked gay men: “Has a straight man ever tried to ‘hit on’ you?”

The reaction was mixed. Many participants admitted that this question irritates them. “I don’t think I’ve ever ‘turned’ anyone. I think they always wanted it; I was just the first,”says one of the men. Another participant gave a more down-to-earth reason: «Они просто знают, что мы [геи] умеем хорошо делать минет, поэтому и приходят к нам».

Not all gay men are thrilled by such encounters. For some, sex with a “straight” man is a risk of running into the partner’s deep-seated internalized homophobia. “I don’t like having sex with heterosexual guys… I can’t come to terms with the thought that I’m sleeping with someone who, if he saw me on the street tomorrow, might call me a ‘faggot,’” admits one of the show’s participants.

Behind the dry lists of reasons lie difficult personal stories. A participant in the Australian show recalled a case when his partner — a married man — burst into tears right in the middle of sex. “I asked: ‘Are you okay?’ And he said: ‘Yes, I’ve finally done it… this is everything I’ve ever wanted’”.

Show participants describe “naturals” seeking same-sex sex as people living in a constant paralyzing fear, shaped by patriarchal attitudes and the fear of losing their “masculinity.” Older participants say they often meet such men in cruising spots, and they look “very scared”: “They literally hide behind the stall door… they’re just terrified that someone will see them”.

The most emotional moment in the video was the story about a date with a married man, which ended unexpectedly. “This guy just started sobbing. I ask, ‘Oh my God, are you okay?’ And he says, ‘Yeah, I finally did it, I finally had sex with a guy, and that’s everything I ever wanted’”.Five years later, that man found his first partner in a bar and admitted that meeting completely changed his life. For the video’s protagonist himself, the situation looked less romantic: “I just wanted to hook up, and then this… that absolutely kills the mood”.

20 reasons: from the “closet” to economics

Publication Doberman Media in partnership with a Telegram channel "Stories of Guys (18+)" analyzed dozens of anonymous stories and identified the key factors that lead heterosexual men to seek male intimacy. Here are the main ones:

• Psychological defenses. The most popular myth is that "oral sex doesn't count." This allows a man to preserve a heterosexual identity even if he regularly engages in such contacts. This also includes the influence of alcohol, which temporarily removes internal inhibitions.
• Cultural codes. In some cultures, only the person who takes the passive role is considered "gay." The active partner (activo) continues to be seen by society as the masculine "alpha male."
• Situational and accessible. Sex with a man is often easier and faster to find — through apps or specialized venues. In closed communities (the army, prisons), such contacts often become the only available way to let off steam.
• Pure hedonism. Men know better how the male body works. Sometimes the motivation is simply a desire for high-quality physical pleasure without emotional commitments.
• Gay for Pay. In times of financial hardship, some men agree to sex for pay, while their personal preferences remain unchanged.

Read more: 20 reasons why straight men enter same-sex relationships