How I Survived Divorce, Depression, and Became Stronger

To the author of Doberman.media Sergey Minsky (псевдоним) It took a divorce, depression, and a few suicide notes to become stronger and feel like a man. In this column, he tells his story. 

Instead of a prologue

My favorite post-divorce meme is that it's all the wallpaper's fault. Wallpaper, of course, has nothing to do with it, but relationships are always a game of two people. A game in which there are no losers and winners. I separated from my wife in 2021, but the relationship had died at least two years before that. Moreover, they died without the right to resuscitation. 

Relationships are always work. A family business where the ability to speak and listen is a working and effective business plan. If it is not there, the business falls apart, no matter how many years it has existed. And when you look back, you see that the existence was only nominal, like unprofitable Belarusian enterprises. 

Guilt and depression

The protests of 2020, the work to the point and eventually its loss brought me to the point where people write suicide notes. I have several of them: I keep them so that I don't bring myself to such a state anymore. In the spring of 2021, I hated myself more than Kurt Cobain. He could not get out of bed, cried, and any criticism and claim from the outside broke into thousands of pieces. 

I went to a psychologist, but all these conversations in the Gestalt approach only annoyed. "Start with food", "how do you feel" – are you serious? The only thing I felt was disgust with myself.

As a result, the psychologist sent me to a psychotherapist, and he prescribed antidepressants. They partially helped: I got back on my feet and tried to improve my family life. But in the end, the stamp in the divorce sang the lines "it happened, it didn't work out."

The reason for the divorce is banal to the extreme. Our relationship burned to ashes, my wife did not see me as a man, I did not feel like one at that time. In the end, I packed a small knapsack and went into the unknown to start life from scratch. 

Child care and prolonged depression

The end of my relationship with my wife, of course, was accompanied by conflicts. But we were smart enough to part peacefully, minimizing the risks for the child. We do not tell him bad things about each other, do not pull the blanket and try in every possible way to support and talk. 

After the divorce, I rented an apartment not far from my ex-wife's apartment. We tried to divide the time with the child equally: every other day. At the trial, we were not engaged in the division of property, the ex-wife did not file for alimony. We managed to maintain a sound mind and a normal attitude towards each other.

Despite all this, I continued to be consumed by guilt. The dosage of pills became higher, insomnia thickened the colors, and at work they began to give the last warnings before potential dismissal. 

After the divorce, I found myself at the point where the mirror turned out to be my best friend. Only to him could I speak out. There was not enough money for a psychologist, and somehow such a close and trusting relationship with friends did not develop. Well, the stereotype about "boys don't cry" stuck in my head hit the psyche loudly.

All this led to the fact that the psychotherapist wrote me a referral to a psychiatric dispensary. I passed all the necessary tests, packed the package and came to the hospital to have a good retreat. But a "bummer" awaited me - all the depressed wards were occupied by "conscripts", and I did not want to go to bed with the "serious" patients. 

Love as the best medicine 

After a long time, a person appeared in my life who believed in me. He was there when the gray film of depressive disorder covered me and helped me get back on my feet. I went to the psychologist again, and then to the psychiatrist to change my pills. For the first time I tried the gym, realized that it was not for me and went to the pool. I began to actively step the daily norm of 10 thousand steps and finally began to regain my own self-worth.

Three months of antidepressants, 10 sessions of psychotherapy, reading the book "The Body Remembers Everything" and the boundless feeling of love were enough for me to get back on my feet and start really living.

This also affected the relationship with her son. We began to go with him to the theater, the rope park, the cinema, etc.

Now, as soon as I begin to feel the first depressive bells: loss of sleep and appetite, I pass out for a day and just hang around the city until I am exhausted. Walking has become a real medicine that clears the head, relieves anxiety and returns to real life. And real life is such that I have a beautiful son, a beloved girlfriend and a craving to explore the world further.   

Instead of an epilogue 

Divorce is a difficult process. I was married for 9 years, in a relationship for 11. Do I feel guilty about the divorce? Of course? Would I get divorced if I could rewind? And here the answer is yes. I needed to go through pain, grief in order to return/find my male potential. To understand who I am and who I want to be. Learn to fill the inner emptiness with constructiveness instead of destructive. 

Staying married would be the simplest of the solutions. But if I had stayed there, I would have continued to exist in the grip of my own shadow. A breakup is always a trauma. And any relationship can be saved if you work on it, do not forget and do not forget about your partner.

I wrote this thought in indelible ink on the subcortex of my own brain and try to apply it in new relationships. Does it work? Not always. I am a living person with my weaknesses, limitations and complexes. But I'm trying, and that's the main thing. As well as I try never to judge anyone for the decision to break up. I know how difficult it is for all participants in the process. And men too. 

Comments by psychologist Ivan Vasilyuk

Psychologist, more than 12 years of successful work in the field of psychology. Uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Therapy (DBT), DBT skills coach. He is the author of programs and courses in psychology. He graduated from the Belarusian State University (psychologist, teacher of psychology). Now he lives in Vilnius (Lithuania).

Many people experience their divorce as a small death. Unfortunately, Sergey's story is quite common in psychological practice. And in the case of death, we do not have such a large stage of bargaining, because here, as they say, everything is obvious. In a situation of divorce or difficult breakups, we very often get stuck at the bargaining stage, and this in itself creates problems and is a prerequisite for long-term depression. In this case, depression is described quite well – it is always associated with self-blame and self-esteem problems. I would draw attention to a few things that can be useful to everyone on the example of this case.

First, what I would draw attention to is that the author is sure that "relationships need to be worked on". From this logic, if the relationship does not work out, then you did not work well. But this is not so. Sometimes there are many other factors, objective and subjective, that ruin relationships. Often the best solution is to break up than to come home after work and work a new shift – a shift over relationships. And if we proceed from the fact that "my home is my castle", what does work have to do with it? Most often, relationships break up when they do not satisfy our initial needs, for example, for care, sex and trust, etc. If you realize this, then you will understand why you did not work.

Second, which is important: in this case, depression is described in sufficient detail. It can often be prevented by activation - physical exercise, walking, outdoor work and even cottages. In Sergei's case, it was wrong to talk about how he felt; It was necessary to start with activation and stabilization. I can assume that in this particular case the method was incorrectly chosen – there are no studies on the therapy of depression in the Gestalt approach, and, obviously, there was no trust in the therapist. Most likely, if there was a suicidal risk, we were talking about moderate or even severe depression, so this is the case when you need to start with a psychotherapist who can prescribe drugs to you. How do you know who you need? Google the Beck depression test and go only if it is easy to see a psychologist; In other cases, with a suicidal risk, only consult a doctor. 

Third: In such situations, if a psychologist is not available, you need to look for support in the form of those with whom you can be yourself - show emotions. Men can cry if there is a reason. In this case, support and finding ways to express emotions could accelerate the recovery from the crisis.

Fourth: our values and the search for meanings in life help to get out of depression. I would even suggest that you write down what you live for and stick it in a prominent place. In a specific example, it could be: "You have a child" and a photo of him. This could "remind you of meanings". In case of suicidal thoughts and attempts, I would suggest making a crisis plan altogether. It may contain the following points: 'If I am overwhelmed, who can I call?' 'What calms me down quickly?' 'How to distract yourself?' This is often quite enough to save a life.

It is also important in a situation of depression to look for some safe (or forgotten) things in your life: return to your favorite hobby, meetings with friends, hiking, take care of your health, etc."

Fifth "The most important thing is not to go into self-flagellation and guilt at any cost. Why is this important? In depression, there is always, well, almost always, self-accusation, and it is you who eat away at it. What to do? Write down anxious (self-accusatory) thoughts and ask the question: "What will give you to think about this?" A new relationship? Nonsense, you will be with a new person, and there will be new "jambs". Fix everything? And what will wine give? A time machine? If you manage to prove to yourself that there is no point in thinking about it, then I offer three of my favorite ways to deal with self-blame:

1. If the thought comes often, don't concentrate on it, but just observe: "Oh, cool, I'm starting to blame myself again. What does this thought look like? What color does it have? Smell? And how to let her go?" It's just a thought.
2. The Wheel of Responsibility. Okay, are you to blame, but 100%? No, who else is to blame? My partner, his mom and dad, my boss who drove me and I overtimed, etc. And it turns out that your fault is not so much, or not all. Is it worth worrying about 20%? It's up to you.
3. Meditation. If you are thinking between psychology and meditation with mild depression, then choose them. They allow you to learn to focus your attention on the moment and not go into unnecessary dialogues with yourself.

If we talk about Sergey's case in general, then he himself says that the marriage did not satisfy his needs and has outlived itself. This is his grief, but perhaps the beginning of something new. It is the understanding that this new should not allow him to transfer all problems to a new relationship. And it's up to you to work on them, or listen to yourself and your partner's needs, and relax together and enjoy them. And good luck and happiness to Sergey!