Man in Exile: Reality and Stereotypes

When we talk about gender stereotypes, we usually mean their negative impact on women. But let's look at how gender stereotypes can hinder men as well, for example, in the context of migration.

A study conducted with the support of the Free Russian Foundation showed that men and those who adhere to stereotypes about masculinity find it more difficult to adapt to a new environment. In reviewing the results of this study, I found that if a man tends to follow the stereotypes in which he was raised and socialized, he chooses not to ask for help in difficult situations because it feels right to do so. Therefore, the article published by Reform Space on this topic had an apt title: "The Hero Who Lost".

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We interviewed 160 people and conducted 20 in-depth interviews, including interviews with psychologists working with migrant men. The main question we asked was: what gender stereotypes hindered you in the migration process?

Наиболее значимый стереотип в мужской роли оказался таким: мужчина должен быть сильным и все держать в себе. Как это мешает? Во-первых, мужчина не обращается за помощью, даже когда она необходима. Он продолжает утверждать, что все в порядке. Это мнение поддержали 70% опрошенных.

What does this mean? This means that men with real psychological or emotional problems will not go to a psychologist and will not look for literature on self-development. They will cope on their own. And here lies the main problem: they use so-called "coping strategies", which are often destructive. It can be aggression, alcoholism, addiction to the couch, sexual addiction, and so on. Do men solve their problems? Yes, but this attitude of "strength" prevents them from looking for healthy solutions.

I liked how in one of my interviews my colleague noted that it is high time for us to stop holding on to this model. We need to accept emotions, admit that it can be hard, and this is beneficial to everyone. If a man copes with his emotions, if he seeks help, it improves not only his life, but also the lives of his loved ones, including women who live with men without emotional problems.

Еще один стереотип заключается в том, что мужчина не должен выражать свои эмоции. 73% опрошенных регулярно подавляют свои эмоции, считая их неважными.

The next question concerned discrimination against men in the migration sphere. 10% of men reported that they faced refusals or difficulties in migration processes simply because they were men. This may be due to the perception of them as a potential military threat. For example, men who served in the army said that it was more difficult for them to go through migration procedures — This can also be seen as a form of discrimination.

Кроме того, 19% мужчин продолжают делить профессии на “мужские” и “женские”. Этот стереотип в первую очередь негативно влияет на женщин. Мужчины считают, что существуют “мужские” профессии, которые оплачиваются выше, и выбирают их не потому, что они им подходят или могут удовлетворить потребности их семей, а просто из-за этого стереотипа.

He will choose this profession only because he needs to choose a "male" profession. I'll give you an example: one man said that he would rather die under a bridge than file his nails. In this regard, by the way, women are more flexible.

Некоторые психологи отметили, что они проще расстаются с предыдущими профессиями и так далее. Также в ходе глубинных интервью было отмечено, что для мужчин крайне важен их социальный статус в профессии. К сожалению, я не сформулировал это как отдельный вопрос, но для мужчин важен вопрос не просто “кем я работаю”, а “какой статус у этой профессии”. Например, один мужчина заявил, что он сейчас в IT, но на позиции джуна.  И это его действительно гложет. Почти 50% мужчин отметили, что они являются кормильцами семьи, и это на них давит. В миграции получается такая ситуация, что мужчины и женщины адаптируются по-разному, и у них разные скорости. 50% мужчин считают, что им нужно зарабатывать больше, чем женщинам. А почему это проблема? Потому что в какой-то момент мужчина должен стать главным кормильцем семьи, но он это не может.

И тут возникает классическая схема депрессии: ожидания vs реальность. С одной стороны, я позиционирую себя как кормилец, с другой стороны, я не могу это сделать. Во-первых, моя профессия подразумевает знание языка. А вспомним, что еще 70% мужчин при этом справляются сами. И мы получаем хорошие условия для депрессии. Кстати, в опросе 30% мужчин отметили, что находят у себя депрессивные мысли.

I would say that this is not depression, since depression is not even diagnosed by a psychologist, but by a doctor, but this is a serious trend that suggests that many of men's needs for migration are not met. 

Около 27% мужчин отметили негативное отношение к миграции по национальности. Причем, особенно эта цифра интересна, так как её больше отметили россияне. Один из участников сказал, что он не видел явной дискриминации, но, например, когда их команда по баскетболу делится на подгруппы, литовцы не выбирают с ним играть. Еще один человек сказал, что некоторые люди принципиально с ним не разговаривают на русском языке, потому что считают, что он должен был учиться. Действие происходит в Грузии.

Men also noted that due to the fact that they are men, they feel pressure not only from those where they came, but also from their relatives, for example, in Russia. Relatives believe that this is a person who cannot defend his homeland, who has avoided military service. And one man in an interview said that it seems to him that his parents abandoned him because he did not go to war. He ran away.

Thus, an interesting situation arises. On the one hand, in these countries, I am not accepted, because I am a man, a potential military threat. In my own country, I am not accepted because I avoided going to war. This paradox can cause big problems for some men. There is pressure on both sides.

Age stereotypes also turned out to be significant. Middle-aged men noted that they are under pressure from public opinion, for example, that a man should be financially successful. As one participant said, he should make money from Bentley and BMW. That is, it turns out that the man arrived in a situation of adaptation. The first year is given to everyone in different ways. It's hard for some.

But if he hadn't been pressured by these, in quotation marks, "psychology of success", perhaps everything would have gone well for him. But since he is pressured to be a millionaire almost from the very beginning, he chooses which strategy: if I can't be a millionaire, then why bother? And now we get a man lying on the couch. I have nothing to do with this, most likely this is a coping strategy, but a man who lies on the couch and looks at the ceiling is most likely showing signs of depression.

Another stereotype is that a man should not have problems if his adaptation was successful. One man in an in-depth interview, I would not say that this is a trend, noted that he was ashamed to admit in front of other migrants that he was doing well. And he said: "I'm ashamed that everything is bad for them, I work in IT, I make good money, and I'm ashamed to admit that everything went well for me."

Therefore, he says that he has no one to communicate with, the rest say that they feel bad, the rest say that they are not doing well, and they are hurt by the fact that they cannot say that they are really fine.

Another stereotype is social isolation. Men are worse at establishing new communication with women. I would say that this is the difference in the socialization of boys and girls. Girls are taught to socialize, including in communication, men are taught to socialize only within the framework of the profession. This is a big drawback, by the way, of our education.

But there is good news. One of my colleagues, who works with teenagers, stressed in an in-depth interview that it is great that our boys, teenagers, are socialized in Europe. They absorb fewer stereotypes, since in Russia they are slightly excluded from the social narrative, and, it turns out, it is easier for them to adapt. They are not their own there either, and they are not their own here. Therefore, it is great to go beyond stereotypes.

Many stereotypes that men have are associated with avoiding their own emotions and problems. These are ineffective coping. When I presented this study, everyone publicly asked: "When will it be about alcohol? When will it be about aggression?" Unfortunately, this is the strategy that many men choose. We may have different attitudes to this, but, nevertheless, this is ineffective coping. Probably, there is a topic on this topic It makes sense to record even a podcast.

To help a man adapt, it is important to involve him in as many things as possible in a new country, outside of stereotypes. For example, arrange a child in a kindergarten, negotiate with a clinic, do some household chores. What will this allow? This will allow a man to expand his circle, expand his behavioral skills, and feel responsible for what is happening in their countries.

As I mentioned earlier, Reform Space called the article about this study "The Hero Who Lost". In in-depth interviews, people say that, of course, they regret that they did a lot of things to change something in their countries, so that they lived in better countries, but they did not succeed. This state that they lost hurts them.

I would say it's important for any man to recognize that we can only be responsible for our words and actions, nothing else. We cannot be fully responsible for our country, and we cannot even be fully responsible for our family. Here I will explain: we are responsible for our words and actions towards our family, and we can only be responsible for them. But we cannot be responsible for what happens in the lives of our relatives, for example, because many things are beyond our control.

We are brought up in a society where it is believed that a person must control everything in order to be effective. Probably, these are the remnants of an anxious past.

On everything, I wish you good mental health, live beyond stereotypes, enjoy this life and see you on our podcasts. Let listening to our podcast become your only pleasant stereotype.