A psychologist with 25 years of experience married an abuser—and her story is very important for the gay community

For a quarter of a century, clinical psychologist Kerry McAvoy helped people recognize destructive relationships. But after her husband's sudden death, the expert herself became ensnared by a covert narcissist who was leading a double life and intended to take half of her assets.. In an interview with the “Can We Talk?” channel, McAvoy gave a detailed breakdown of how psychological abuse works.

Unfortunately, the gay community includes many people with psychological trauma, narcissistic traits, and a tendency toward abusive behavior. Beneath outward confidence, sexual openness, and a desire for recognition, there can sometimes be deep insecurity, fear of intimacy, a constant need for validation, and a desire to control one's partner.

Especially for Doberman Media readers, we reframed her experience in the context of gay relationships: why “love bombing” is mistaken for genuine love in the gay community, how to deal with cognitive dissonance, and how to recognize the signs that your partner is an emotional predator.

The Point of Vulnerability: How Loneliness and Trauma Disable Our Psychological Defenses

After 25 years of a successful private practice and 30 years of marriage, Kerry McAvoy suffered a devastating loss: her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and five months later he was gone. Losing the person closest to her completely shattered the life she had known—McAvoy compares that period to the aftermath of a volcanic eruption, with nothing but an empty crater left behind. She closed her practice and desperately tried to fill the void.

A year later, McAvoy began dating. Confident that her many years of clinical experience would enable her to easily recognize a dangerous person, she met a man who seemed to perfectly match all her expectations.

However, from the very beginning, her new partner employed a tactic known as “love bombing”: he rushed the relationship, shared overly intimate details, and quickly painted pictures of a future together.

In the gay community, where many men face nonacceptance, rejection, or social pressure from a young age, “love bombing” can hit especially hard. When a new partner immediately showers you with excessive attention, calls you his “husband” in the second week of dating, and conveys complete acceptance, the mind perceives it as the salvation it has long awaited. However, as McAvoy notes, clinicians are trained to diagnose disorders in patients themselves but are taught almost nothing about how narcissism affects those close to them. So even when someone notices individual “red flags,” they often ignore them for the sake of the illusion of a perfect relationship.

A Double Life, “Chameleon Behavior,” and Emotional Conditioning

After a year together, the couple married. But just six weeks after the wedding—on the very first night of their honeymoon—it emerged that her husband had been leading a secret life. While Carrie slept, he messaged other women and watched pornography. When she tried to discuss it the next day, he flew into a rage; that evening, he dropped his wife off at the hotel and drove away for two hours to “teach her a lesson” for confronting him.

On the last day of the honeymoon, McAvoy received a Facebook message from a woman she did not know that read: “It looks like he’s been deceiving both of us”. It turned out that the man had been seeing as many as seven other women at the same time, and everything he had told her about himself was a complete lie.

To win Kerry over, the man portrayed himself as a devout businessman and a connoisseur of classical music. To another partner, he presented himself as a country music fan and the owner of five dogs (even though he hated animals and had abused them in the past).

In the gay community, narcissistic “chameleonism” is especially pronounced. Because local queer communities tend to be relatively small, a narcissist can simultaneously cultivate radically different idealized personas in different social circles: a “caring activist” in one group and a “cool partygoer” in another, all while manipulating several partners at once.

How the Trap Works: AI, Cognitive Dissonance, and Hormonal Dependency

In her interview, Kerry McAvoy identifies the key psychological and physiological mechanisms that keep a victim trapped in a destructive relationship:

1. The “artificial intelligence” phenomenon: Citing researchers, McAvoy compares narcissists to neural networks. They possess a highly developed “theory of mind” —the ability to read another person, mirror their body language, repeat their words, and produce exactly the emotional response expected of them. Yet they completely lack deep empathy and see people merely as resources or props.
2. The three stages of cognitive dissonance (according to Sandra Brown):
   • The shock of encountering a stranger: The realization that the person you live with is, in fact, a complete stranger to you.
   • The illusion of change: Attempts to save the relationship (therapy, concessions) while the partner pretends to work on themselves but continues to manipulate.
   • Feeling trapped and powerless: Realizing that the relationship is doomed but being unable to leave due to shame, fear, financial loss, or threats of physical violence.
3. Hormonal roller coaster (“cortisol–dopamine”): During periods of reconciliation and trips together, the body releases dopamine, while threats and arguments trigger cortisol. This creates an extremely powerful dependency in which, for the victim, the abuser becomes “both the knife and the bandage”.

Warning Signs of a Destructive Relationship: How to Know You're in Danger

McAvoy advises focusing not on the partner’s formal diagnosis, but on your own well-being when you are around them:

• The feeling of walking through a minefield: You are afraid to express sadness, fear, or dissatisfaction freely, constantly weighing every word to avoid provoking an outburst of anger.
• “Word salad” and circular arguments: Any attempt to discuss the problem turns into manipulation of terms, shifting definitions, and changing the subject. The conversations never lead to a solution, leaving you emotionally drained.
• Imbalance in emotional responses: During a conflict, the abuser remains incredibly calm and composed while bombarding you with accusations, making you appear agitated, emotionally unstable, and at fault.
• Loss of trust in yourself (gaslighting): You begin to doubt your own memory, feelings, and perception of reality.

Leaving the Relationship and the “Best Revenge”

Окончательной точкой для Кэрри стала болезнь её сына, у которого диагностировали редкую форму лейкемии. Пока она дежурила у постели ребёнка, муж обсуждал с очередной подружкой, как забрать себе 50% компании Кэрри (созданной на страховые выплаты после смерти её первого супруга).

Realizing that the man had married her solely for her money, McKevoy adopted a cold, calculated strategy: knowing how desperately he needed money, she simply bought him off and bought back her own company.

After the breakup, Kerry wrote a memoir “Love You More”, to reclaim her voice and support other survivors.

In gay relationships, leaving an abuser is often complicated by the fear of being alone, coming out, or pressure from mutual friends. But as Kerry McAvoy puts it, an emotional predator’s main goal is to break you down and make you believe you are incapable of anything.

“After everything you have been through in a relationship with a narcissist, the best revenge is to live the best, fullest, happiest life you can… Not merely surviving, but moving forward, building your life on your own terms, and being happy—that is the best form of revenge.”.