Demisexuality or depression? Why the gay community has forgotten how to have sex without drama

✦ This article is published as written by the author. The opinions, assessments, and conclusions expressed in the text are those of the author and may not reflect the position of the Doberman.media editorial board. The editorial board is not responsible for the author’s interpretations, statements, or conclusions.

Do you know what's new I noticed? A couple of years ago, everyone was for quick meetings, express sex, and now every second person writes in the bio: "demisexual top / bottom / vers" and looks at you like a cheap whore if you offer to meet without a three-hour conversation about childhood.

Demisexuals These are people whose sexual orientation is characterized by the fact that they experience sexual attraction only to those partners with whom they have already formed a deep emotional connection.

Appearance, physical attractiveness, or casual acquaintance in themselves usually do not cause sexual desire in demisexuals. Sexual attraction appears only after a person has become emotionally close to another – it can be friendship, trust, love, or long-term communication. Demisexuality is considered part of the ace spectrum: demisexuals are not asexual in the full sense (they have a sexual attraction), but it occurs extremely selectively and rarely. Many demisexuals say they felt "broken" before realizing their orientation because they didn't understand why they didn't feel the same attraction "on the first date" or to celebrities as those around them.

This is not about orientation. It's about laziness.  

It's about the fact that after 500 messages, 200 meetings on ketamine and 47 times when you were dumped after the first sex, something inside just says: "enough, I don't want to wake up next to someone else's smell anymore."

And here comes the perfect excuse:  

"I'm demisexual, I need deep emotional connections before I want someone."  

Translation into human language: "I'm too lazy to shave, wash, clean my ass, spend money on a taxi and then explain why I don't want to meet a second time. Let's jerk off in the chat for six months and call it 'hookup'".

The audience is led to this instantly.  

Because everyone is tired. Everyone burned out.  

Everyone deep down wants to be fucked like in porn, but at the same time, it is "the same person" who will make coffee in the morning, pay for therapy and not sit on the Hornet while you are in the shower.

The only problem is that such people almost do not exist.  

And if they do, they are either already in a relationship, or in therapy, or... are also demisexuals and wait for you to be the first to take the first step towards a "deep connection" in 6-8 months of correspondence.

As a result, everyone sits at home, scrolls through Tinder, puts hearts in stories and convinces themselves that this is "work on themselves".

And in reality, it's just collective burnout, because it's easier to say "I'm demisexual" than to admit:  

"I'm tired of gay dating, of endless choices, of not having anyone staying, and of not wanting to leave anyone behind."

But let's be honest.  

The biggest joke in this whole demisexual circus is that almost none of these "deep souls" give up sex completely.  

They simply transfer it to another level of laziness and control:  

– At first, 2 months of correspondence about "what does intimacy mean to you"  

– Then 3 weeks of voice calls for 20 minutes about "how I survived a breakup at the age of 19"  

– Then "let's have a video call, but only the face, without a body, I'm not ready yet"  

And finally, when all the nerves are already at the limit, the sacred phrase follows:  

 "I feel that there is really something between us... Let's meet, but I don't promise anything physical right away. I need to feel safe."

Translation:  

"I've been jerking off to your photos in stories for three months now, but if sex sucks or you don't turn out to be who you seem to be in the chat, it's easier for me to say 'oh, I'm demisexual, the emotional connection didn't work out' than to admit that I just wasted my time."

And then these same people, six months after the "deep connection" (which ended with two dull and being blocked everywhere), reappear in the grinder with a new bio.

Support independent journalism. This is not a pop-up. You can scroll further or dismiss this notification

Doberman Media works without investors and grants – only thanks to you. Your help, even a small one, allows us to continue our work. Help us survive: subscribe or support one-time. No way to donate? Just forward this text to a friend.

And that's it, fuck, the circle closes.

But this is not about demisexuality as an orientation (it really exists and deserves respect from those who really need it).  

This is about how the gay community massively uses beautiful labels in order not to admit the worst thing:  

We are just burned out from endless sex without consequences, from choosing from 5000 options within a radius of 10 km, from the fact that every second is a narcissist, every third is on substances, and every first is looking for the same thing as you, but better.

Therefore, it is easier to say:  

"I'm not a whore, I'm demisexual" than to say:  

"I'm tired of being meat in a market where everyone wants fresh, yesterday's meat."

And here we are sitting in 2026: everyone is very "deep", everyone is very "conscious", everyone is very "in therapy", but the couple is lonely.

In any case, good luck in building this very "deep connection".  

Because while you are building it, he is already writing to the next one:  "Hello, tell us about yourself... I'm interested in getting to know you for real 😌"

P.S. If you've read this far and thought "fuck, this is about me" – congratulations. You're not alone. And this is already half the way. The other half is just to without 50 therapy sessions. Sometimes it heals better.